This is an email I wanted to send to Nick, but couldn't, I can't do anything, in case he thinks me weird and then doesn't even want to speak to me normally

hey, sorry, quick question, too long to text. This evening when you i asked u about whether you were not going to the cinema cos of me and u replied sumthing like;
no, well kinda, if we were going out I would have gone, but i wouldn't have gone today if you were going or not"
if we had been going out, and i hadnt been going, would you have gone then? Sorry for being so irritating, I'm just sum girl who seems to be constantly bugging you, but along with a load of other questions, those that I will never ask you either, it seems to be important. Well, it would have been important. Really, my most burning question is what are you thinking, just in general,not even particularly about me. Are you happy, do you prefer hanging out with people in the foyer, do you try and stay away from me, why do we both smile as if nothing is wrong when we meet (not that I want it any other way). How far can I go before I go too far. Can I text you to ask whether you want to meet at the coffee tavern next week bfore the rehearsal, or was that really horrible for you? Can I ask you to go with me to the theatre at the end of Novemeber, would it be too weird; becasue of too many memories, or because you dislike me. That was the problem when you said you didn't love me anymore, that's terrible, ripping through me, but what does that leave, does it leave indifference, hatred?
I don't know what to think anymore , its not as though its really your fault, well apart from the first move, but everything you do I read into, even while realising it is stupid, don't worry, i'm much more likely to read into things negatively, than positively, I'm stupid, but not stupid enough to imagine that somehow every feeling you have towards me is going to magically change. I read your profile on MSN today - I was bored - you should change it. I nearly cried when you wrote that i was your favourite person, it seems so long ago that life was perfect, for me. While you sat all alone, pretending, that must have felt terrible. I want to know how long you pretended for, I want to know how much you pretended, and exactly what. I want to know everything, but the only thing I know is that none of these questions can bee answered.
My mother always said that "hope" was what made Christians differ from other faiths, she said that her life has been so wonderful because she always lived in hope. Well, I wish hope could be taken from my life, so I can't hope anymore, and then I wouldn't hope for you, because although it is an impossibility I cannot help it, although sometimes I can neither imagine it. Did we really used to go out? Be bst friends? confide everything in each other and love each other enough to not need anything else? I'm not so sure anymore, in fact I think I might be teasing myself and none of that stuff happened at all. Until I look at the photos, not that I have done that yet, but I had them all as various pics on my computer, and so I had to change them. We look so happy, how did it change, I want to know what I did wrong, so that whatever happens in the future I wont make that mistake again.