title - what title

Work yesterday, fun, nothing really happened, but we got tickets for Arabian Nights on Monday, adn so i have to ring John my panto director to try and get my rehearsal off. Didn't really do much at work, met a guy who was going to see the whole Harry Potter crew today, he was buying an autograph book. We also had lots of good biscuits, chocolate fingers for example, I don't think we have ever had those before. The till broke half-way through the day, it just kept continually beeping, but eventually after forty-five minutes of pressing random buttons it stopped and went back to normal.

After work I went home and found my mum moaning at me stil about everything that has happened in the past week, went upstairs got changed and told mum I was leaving, she said she'd give me a lift to the bus stop, we got in the car, and she started moaning again, we drove to the bus stop, and she kept me in the car until the bus came, at last I thought, I'm free from her nagging, and then she rang me on the bus! After ten minutes I told her that my battery was running low (which it was), and then turned off my phone so that she couldn't ring back. The rest of the trip was peaceful, went to Alex's, then Tom came, he told me he was really angrywith me, and I thought he meant because I had gone to his house on Friday and left really quickly, but no he was angry about Monday, although apparently he's not quite sure why... anyway I don't really like people being angry with me (obviously) and so felt a bit oohey. However, we walked to JUles' to pick up her and Watkins, and then walked to Andrena's and from there to Ali's. Everyone came that was meant to, and a few people that weren't meant to - Alison's brother sorted them out. So we generally mingled and had a good time, I met a load of people I hadn't seen for a whole week! lol, and after a "few" jokes about Dan, mostly from Felix, apart from when Haggis rung him, I enjoyed myself very much. I refused to drink abything, which was definitely for the best, and had a nice time. Everyone went home at the correct time, nothing was damaged, and everyone was happy (apart from perhaps Ed, who Alison's brother made leave twenty minutes before everybody else, as he didn't like him). I stayed over at Ali's which meant not really getting enough sleep, but still had fun. We watched a film, but only one of us (out of a group of six) were still awake when it finished. In the morning we woke, watched various bits on the telly, and tried to help tidy up the house, which wasn't that bad, luckily, as we were quite ineffectual.

Walked to Peterborough, came back home on the bus to find my sis had something wrong with her eye, and so then her and my mum went into Peterborough to get it sorted out. I am, at the moment trying to do anything to get out of my Re coursework, which is meant to be in for tomorrow, but everyone I spoke to yesterday hasn't done it! lol, I can't believe we are going to school tomorrow, oh the horror that awaits!

havent bin online for ages

I am still blogging each time I go online I have just been doing way too much and haven't been home! lol. Since Tuesday... errm well, on wednesday I had a theatre studies rehearsal, which was fun in the end we just went to deep pan and ate a load of pizza, which was good fun, if not actually doing any theatre studies, we then went back and made up a "dance scene" which is better than it sounds, lol, we also got a full working script together, very exciting! then in the evenign I stayed round alli's. We wanted to go out, but we couldn't find a collection of people to go with that were over 18, and we looked at what was open and there was basically nothing (an a-team revival evening) and so we went to the brewery tap and sat and drank and talked for quite a while, lol, then went back to hers, and didnt do very much, lol, but it was nice to talk. On Thursday saw my dad, fun as always (sarcasm), but I had to leave early as I was going to Stu's with Andrena. I met Andrena when going to meet my dad, and she has been to Rome and told me all about it. The most exciting thing is that she bought me a very alrge scarf/shawl! lol, i have wanted one for ages, and she found one!

Went to Stu's, swam and had general fun, until about 8ish, when Kat (her party, referring to previous blog), and she wanted my number so that her parents could ring mine! and tell them all about the party. This was quite terrible, and so at first I wouldn't give it to her. However, after she had put the phone down I thought that that was a bit mean, so I rang her back to give her my number, but it turned out that she'd already got my number, and Kat didn't pick up but her mother! Here followed an extensive conversation about my wrongs, and how terrible I was to have done various things, and she said she'd left a message on my home answer phone, I apologised, and then realised that I should probably tell my mother before she found out herself. So rang her, and then she rang Kats parents, and then rang me back, here issued a fifteen minute conversation about how I was should pay the conscequences (i can never spell that word), and she left it at that. Went back and joined the group but felt a bit oohey. We watched the fifth element, I thought it was going to be better than it was. After a couple more hours when most people had left the rest of us went to bed, which meant as many people as possible fitting into Stu's spare bed, lol, and after a while we all settled, down.

We were all woken up (accidentally) by Rob at 8 o'clock, and whiled away the hours till the bus. Then went to Nero's and drank three hot chocolates, and meant Mark (properly) Alex's "nearly" guy. lol, it was fun, and then walked to Nicks to pick up panto music as he wasn't going to the rehearsal. However, he had had some minor op thing going on at his work experience and so he was an hour late! I was meant to meet my sis at the coffee tavern, rang her to say that I couldn't meet her, and my mother went crazy, and said that it was just typical that I wouldn't keep any of my promises and kept letting everyone down. I was so surprised I dodn't know what to say. Then walked to Toms cos I was bursting for the toilet, long story, and then met Nick. He gave me the music, and we chatted for ten mins, slightly weird, definitely the best we've been, lol. The nwent to catch my bus, got home went to sleep for half an hour, then went to my panto rehearsal, came back, ate, and then watched spoons. Everyone else is at Tom's tonight, he sadi that he wouldn't do anything on a Friday, as he works on Saturdays now, but nevermind, apparently his house is empty now as someone in his family (I imagine his mum) has gone to Taiwan...! lol.

Not done much else, apart from realised crazy habits that I am developing such as slapping my leg when I exclaim, sittling with my legs really far apart, and saying "wa-ay" (wahey, missing out the "h") raising my hand, expressing some kind of joy. I'm trying to stop. Haven't sung for a long while, deleted all of Nick's texts quite a while ago, and everything is brill, lol. Ali's 18th tomz, hope it will be good, sure it will be. Also have work tomorrow, also fun! lol. Colemans always is (I'm not being sarcastic, it really is!)

oh dear

Well, went to Kat's, as planned, got drunk, not planned, got off with random guy i knew from primary school, not planned, spent night comfortably in his arms (although on the floor). And now I'm really confused, just in general, a little about Nick, obviously I can't tell him, it just isn't the kind of thing that comes up in normal conversation, but I feel he should know, but at the same time he shouldn't as it hasn't really changed anything at all. Part of me feels guilty, not sure why, and part of me feels that it is perhaps useful showing me there are guys apart from Nick (not that I would have stayed around for this one, no offence to him). All in all, feel slightly strange, and slightly woozy. I really don't want it to get back to Nick, but I feel its going to, there were loads of people at the party that just wouldn't understand that I don't want him to know, and so I'm guessing that by next Monday, if not sooner, the cat will be out of the bag. But it wont make any difference to him I imagine, according to Tom he's extremely happy atm, and according to Rob fancies a random year twelve, so perhaps it is all for the best anyway to let him know that I am not just thinking of him continuously, and am moving on little by little. Although, it was slightly humerous because between being jumped on by Haggis and Matt throughout the night had a really weird dream, can't remember what it was about but it included Nick in it, and just remember waking up thinking "that was really weird". Anyway, I'm sure it'll sort itself out. Humerous end to the party, as Dan's friend left at six in the morning so he stayed, and then we went to catch the bus. Bus didn't turn up, so we ended walking from Warmington to Oundle, a good two and a half miles, and about half-way home the bus rushed past, late, but there nevertheless!

No paragraphs in this one either!

im going to give up aming up titles ... perhaps

Today is Monday, and its all okay. Still alone in my house as my sis is away and my mum is working, but am having a nice time, listening to the radio and not doing much. Still singing, lol, magic numbers is a favourite, lol, fitting. Anyway, Kats tonight where hopefully everyone will not be completely wasted the whole night. Apart from that just pottering around, lol. All fun.

im gettin tired of making up titles

I have realised that I am nothing other than a sad would-be stalker (well meayb not the stalker bit) but i have gone way too far, and am depressing myself, I have to stop, from now on, every time i think of nick im going to sing a song - out loud, and i'm going to get so frustrated at myself that in the end i will just have to stop. That is the worst idea I have ever had, but I am running out of plans. Every thing I do seems to remind me of him, especially now that I am alone in the house on a Sunday afternoon, with nothing to do, for the first time in quite a while. I'm going to go now, and sing several songs, it'll be exciting. (i was being sarcastic, in case anyone was under a false impression)

This is an email I wanted to send to Nick, but couldn't, I can't do anything, in case he thinks me weird and then doesn't even want to speak to me normally

hey, sorry, quick question, too long to text. This evening when you i asked u about whether you were not going to the cinema cos of me and u replied sumthing like;
no, well kinda, if we were going out I would have gone, but i wouldn't have gone today if you were going or not"
if we had been going out, and i hadnt been going, would you have gone then? Sorry for being so irritating, I'm just sum girl who seems to be constantly bugging you, but along with a load of other questions, those that I will never ask you either, it seems to be important. Well, it would have been important. Really, my most burning question is what are you thinking, just in general,not even particularly about me. Are you happy, do you prefer hanging out with people in the foyer, do you try and stay away from me, why do we both smile as if nothing is wrong when we meet (not that I want it any other way). How far can I go before I go too far. Can I text you to ask whether you want to meet at the coffee tavern next week bfore the rehearsal, or was that really horrible for you? Can I ask you to go with me to the theatre at the end of Novemeber, would it be too weird; becasue of too many memories, or because you dislike me. That was the problem when you said you didn't love me anymore, that's terrible, ripping through me, but what does that leave, does it leave indifference, hatred?
I don't know what to think anymore , its not as though its really your fault, well apart from the first move, but everything you do I read into, even while realising it is stupid, don't worry, i'm much more likely to read into things negatively, than positively, I'm stupid, but not stupid enough to imagine that somehow every feeling you have towards me is going to magically change. I read your profile on MSN today - I was bored - you should change it. I nearly cried when you wrote that i was your favourite person, it seems so long ago that life was perfect, for me. While you sat all alone, pretending, that must have felt terrible. I want to know how long you pretended for, I want to know how much you pretended, and exactly what. I want to know everything, but the only thing I know is that none of these questions can bee answered.
My mother always said that "hope" was what made Christians differ from other faiths, she said that her life has been so wonderful because she always lived in hope. Well, I wish hope could be taken from my life, so I can't hope anymore, and then I wouldn't hope for you, because although it is an impossibility I cannot help it, although sometimes I can neither imagine it. Did we really used to go out? Be bst friends? confide everything in each other and love each other enough to not need anything else? I'm not so sure anymore, in fact I think I might be teasing myself and none of that stuff happened at all. Until I look at the photos, not that I have done that yet, but I had them all as various pics on my computer, and so I had to change them. We look so happy, how did it change, I want to know what I did wrong, so that whatever happens in the future I wont make that mistake again.

3 times in one day

Sorry to anyone tht actually reads this thing, you should probably stop, its going to get really tiresome for you. I was talking to Stu about Beth, and have suffered an even bigger relapse, I don't know what to do, and its not as though I just want another guy, I want Nick. Great, I'm where I was a week ago, I haven't moved on at all. Typical

ha hah... ha

No, it didn't last, and I thought it was going so well. Well it was, until I went to see the film. I'd talked to him online, made sure that he wasn't not going cos of me, and he wasn't (well kind of, he said that if he was going out with me he would have gone, but it didn't matter whether I was going to the cinema tonight or not, he still wouldn't have gone - but then later I thought; does that mean that he's just more introverted, or that he isn't in a going out mood at all, and if not, why - any comments welcome), so it was all happy. And the film was the best film I have seen for ages, it made me burst out laughing at various bits out loud, however, i have now got to that stage, well and truly, where everything that I see or do, reminds me of Nick, someone give me a topic and I can relate it to Nick, without tangenting in any way. It's not even as though I am particularly good at doing that (although with the practice I am getting, I soon will be), its just so easy.

When I am not thinking about how happy we were, then I find it easy to be apart, but when I do remeber, it pains me, quite a lot. And I'm not sure how to stop it.

ha hah

I think, for a short while atleast, I am happy. Lol. I went to work today, and neither of the other Saturday girls were there, for various reasons, and all I did was work. The day passed amazingly quickly (cos i had to do all of their stock sheets), and I wasn't really hyper at all, but it was just a really nice quiet day. I'm also pleased to say that I haven't been thinking about Nick very much at all, so I think I am improving and that there is hope for me yet. Going to the cinema tonight to watch the corpse bride - or something similar - and might hav to run there, if the bus is late. But nevermind, I will go on regardless. I am sitting here singing and dancing to appalling music - such classics as "Stacy's mom", and although am not doing much, am contented, wahey! lol. Hopefully this happiness will last, lol. ha hah

relapsing? hope not

Today we had a mufti day, where in the end i dressed up smart, however, not in my ball dress, which i guess would have been too much, but instead in skirt and top, the same as i wore to toms dinner party, and ironically the top that I wore when me and Nick first got together (I couldn't remeber this, but he told me, several months after). Anyway, it was all fun, although I realised that he has been keeping away form me on purpose, by hiding in the foyer, and feels awkward when seeing me, which is why he didn't go for coffee after school with the rest of us. However, after school anyway, he was going to come to the pantomime rehearsal, as he is playing various musical instruments. The bus got in at quarter to seven and the rehearsal doesn't start until half past seven, and so we waited for a while in the cafe, while we were netertained by my sister and John's children, who we arm wrestled. They were anamoured by Nick and thought him 'cool', which situation was only to be repeated when we made it to the rehearsal, as the chorus we have are a group of girls, ranging from sixteen to ten, all found him very exciting. However, the rehearsal went well, and I learnt two songs that I had never heard before, and Nick was given the music for the whole pantomime to look through over half term. Although how he will fit it in, no one has the slightest idea as he is doing a work experience at a GP's this week. It ended up being just me, him, the musical director, and the director, at the end of the play, as I wanted to go through my solo, and his mother had not yet arrived to pick him up. I then had to sing a song about 'how we'd never look back', doube meaning. WHich does, however, have a very pretty tune. We walked back t0 where his mum was picking him up from, I scabbed a lift, I don't think he was very impressed, but it was raining slightly. I then got home and learnt 'everybody's talking' on the guitar! incredibly random I know (no, I don't play the guitar). I felt I just had to do something to take my mind off of him. If when I spend time with him and he's really weird, I can pretend he is someone different, but if he acts like NIck, just not going out with me, then it is difficult. It wasn't as awkward at all comparatively to what I thought it was going to be like though. Hopefully, it will persuade him that we can actually do things in the saem group from now on. He's coming to the rehearsal next week - I wonder if he will want to meet up again beforehand? Probably not.

I haven't put any paragraphs in this!

an epiphany... perhaps

He texed me last night, I couldn't believe i when I heard my phone go off - no one else is going to text me at that time. I didn't know what he would say, but the only other time he's texted me when we're not going out, is to ask me for coffee, or do something to suggest that he wants me to go out with him again. However, it was to say whether i wanted to borrow a book that I had given back to him, as he didn't think I had finished reading it. I told him that I would like to borrow it again as all I could remember was the beginning, and then he texted me telling me that he was sorry for what had ahppened (i.e. that he had broken up with me), I didn't know what to say, I htought that he was just completely over me. I told him that that was okay and he couldn't help his feelings, and then he texted back with the words "k, thankyou". Does that means he's okay now that he has been "forgiven"? It's not as though I was being strictly truthful anyway - of course it's not okay what happened, do I seem as though I am perfectly okay, there are so many things that I need to get straight in my head, such as there is no hope (just, in general) and every time he smiles at me I'm confused, let alone texts me at night.

I was nervous when I woke up this morning, and spent my whole bus journey moaning to kind listeners, who were very helpful, and suggested that I do everything that Nick didn't let me do - stupid things, like dance, sing out loud, or say the word "breats" (long story), this made me feel better. So when I got to school I was feeling positive, went to form, saw him at the other end of the class room, and so waited until the end of registation, so that he could give me the book. He did, and then I proceeded to try and talk to him normaly, as if he were anyone else - it didn't work, I asked him how his mother was "fine", apparently, and then we just walked on, I don't know what I had expected to happen, but I just expected it to be different. But it seems that now I have said its okay, he doesn't need me anymore, and would really prefer it if I just wasn't there - which I suppose is true, as that was the reason he left me. So I had the first lesson sitting in the canteen looking as though I would rather be anywhere other than there.

However, I had to leave after that to go home so that I could do my L-NAT, and on the way back I had a minor epiphany. I had really felt like texting Nick, to say that it wasn't okay, i felt rubbish, and that I wanted him to know it, it wasn't just that he had left me, that was bad enough, but now I was having thoughts in the way that I must have done something pretty drastic for any love he had for me just to fizzle out, and when he didn't comment on my dress for house music, well, he didn't even pretend, it wasn't as though he could find me attractive anymore, basically, I am stuck and he started it all. However, then I thought of how much he had changed from the Nick that he used to be, the one that was kind and caring ,and would do anything for me, and I realised, that it wasn't the same Nick as I knew anymore. He'd just changed so much, that I could hardly recognise him. And so I realised (I have realised), that I can get over him, because the Nick I loved doesn't exist anymore, he's somewhere else, and whats left I just don't know. Therefore, I can't wish to get back with Nick, and it doesn't even matter whether I speak to him or not, because he's not actually the person I want to speak to, the person I want it someone else, who lets face it, I'm not going to find again.

Its a good idea, I'm not saying that it will work, but its definitely the best idea that I have coem up with, and I can't say I'm over him, but atleast it might stop me wanting to see him every second of every corner, now I'm wishing for someone that doesn't exist! I wonder how long that is going to last for?? Not long I hope

getting there...

Wahey, I feel slightly better, at last. Last night, I almost came to the conclusion that if he asked me out again (obviously theoretically) I wouldn't say "yes", obviously it changed when I saw him this morning, but I feel there is progress. I really miss him though just stupid things like taking to him. I miss his sarcasm. lol.

So at the moment I am quite satisfied, although, I spend every moment trying to catch a glimpse of him, which is constantly irritating for me. I had a free first thing, and although he had a French oral first thing, in the second period he came into the dinning room, and the first thing he did was come over to my table, on which just sat me and Jules, (next door was the table with everyone else on), obviously he was just being friendly, but I feel that I couldn't do that to him because he'd take it the worng way, but maybe I'll try anyway! lol.

I'm not sure whether to go into school tomorrow or not, I have me L-Nat exam, very exciting, but its at two o'clock, so I could go in for assembly (as it is the one after house music, and so I should thank my hosue and tell them they were wonderful), but at the same time, I am kind of looking forward to haveing a lie-in, at the same time I could see Nick, which would be nice (this is how obsessed I have become), my mother says it would be easier if i did, so I probably will. lol, it's all fun! I have also decided that I am going to go smart (ish), but not wear my ball dress, cos that would be silly, so I will wear a long-ish skirt, depending on which one looks less creased, with a pink top and strappy shoes, its all fun!

Still Carrying On...

I feel slightly better today, although as ever am still barmy aout certain people. I have realised that it's much better when people don't tell me about how terrible I must be feeling, and it also means that I can't moan about Nick (although I still fit him in where possible) although, lets face it, that's probably better for eveybody else, as well as me. I went to my pantomime rehearsal yesterday, and was told that during Friday's rehearsal, the music teacher would take me and Dawn (my pantomime "partner") to go through all of our songs. However, Nick told me that he wouldn't be going to the pantomime rehearsal on Friday, so when I saw him this morning I asked him whether he had told Keith (music guy) that he wasn't coming, cos it sounded as though Keith was going to use him. So he said he might come then, but now I'm really worried that Keith isn't leading the chorous because they will be doing dancing and some such notion so, for the whole of the rehearsal he is just going to have to watch Keith, and me and Dawn sing, and it'll just look as though I wanted him to come so I told him he would be needed. Yet, at the same time if he said he was going to come and then doesn't it doesn't look greato n me, as I was the person that first introduced him.

I feel I haven't really done much today apart from starting reading "Little Men", which is the kind of quiet moral and Christian book, that is "nice", and surprisingly comforting. I keep wanting to talk to NIck, but feeling stupid when I do, so as soon as I stop talking to him I feel he wont be interested in just walking with me and so try and walk away, I did it after lunch registration, and then as he left to walk down another corridor he said "have fun" (to my back, as half of me had already left through the door), and, I don't know, I felt a mixture of sadness, that I could no longer talk to him like a normal person, and partly horror, that he must think me so rude, just turning my back on him, and thirdly how much I would like to just be able to talk to him. I know I can't just expect it to go all normal, however, I can't help it, I just want to have a really good chat with him, and ask him what he's been doing for the last couple of days. It's so frustrating because now that I have spent so much time with him, everyone else just don't really compare.

I went shopping after school, I haven't been for soo long, that I just had to buy some clothes, and when I went to the bus stop I just couldn't help looking out for him, as he had had his clarinet lesson, even though he wouldn't walk down the road until about ten minutes after I had left. This is the kind of crazy stuff I am left to. I still don't know what to wear on Friday, I don't think I am going to go in my ball dress, not just for Nick's sake, but I think I would feel so stupid, not enough people are doing it, and I now have a really nice skirt to wear, although no idea what shoes to wear. Also, because afterwards we would be going for coffee (the whole group of us) it means that I would have to walk around town in the dress as well. I think I just want to look normal and nice. Lets face it, I still just want to look nice enough for Nick to like me again - and lets face, it doesn't matter what I wear, I'm still going to be disappointed!

still in shock

I'm determined to continue writing this blog every time I go online, and so here I am again. Not much has changed since yesterday, apart from the fact that I actually saw him today. My bus was twenty mins late and so I didn't see him until break time, when I gave him back his t-shirt, his socks and a book that he'd left at mine, but I had to do it in front of everyone else, so he jus said "thanks". I caught up with him at lunch, and asked him about what he wanted to do, I have to go and beg my teacher at school to do another Wednesday activity, because at the moment I am meant to be playing squash with him. He is also still doing the music for my pantomime, which I am a little surprised at, and don't know whether it is a good thing or a bad thing.

He had a band rehearsal after school, and I had a meal with my theatre group and typically we left the restauraunt at exactly the same time that he was walking down the road from his practice, I'm going crazy, I can't stop talking about him. Everyone is going to get really annoyed with me when they realise I'm not going to stop. All I want to happen is that he tells me he made a mistake and actually he loves me really. He bnought a pink t-shirt over the weekend, he's never bought a pink t-shirt before, I can tell he likes being without me, I just wish I felt the same. On Friday we have a non-uniform day, and we either have to dres in pink (hence the pink t-shirt) or we have to dress up really smart, and I decided with one of my friends that we would go in ball dresses, but now all I want to do is go and buy a really nice t-shirt and a new pair of shoes. Part of me thinks that if I make an effort to look really nice he will suddenly love me again and I know this isn't true, but I can't help clutching onto any straws I have.

Not done much else but think of him! It's not as though I want to, I just have no other choice, I hope it doesn't continue for long, I think that if I write everything down here, perhaps I wont have to tell everyone I meet.

coming to terms with the necessary

So many things have happened since i started blogging (well, since i took up some space) that ou would have thought that I would have found something much more happy to blog about, i've been to a couple of birthdays had a completely hectic schedule, had an interhouse competition in my school, which i helped organise, and have thoroughly enjoyed life. But, no, I didn't find anything to blog about until Friday when my year and ten and a half month relationship fell apart, the boy in question no longer happy with me, having fallen out of love with me. Humourously enough, the morning after, for the first time I heard Craig David's new song called something like "Fallen out of Love with me" - how ironic. It took him three hours to make up his mind that he was definitely unhappy with me, which was painful, and meant that I was grasping at grains of hope for three hours.

The frustrating thing is, that if he really isn't in love with me anymore (and he isn't) then there is nothing either him or i can do about it, and therefore i must just come to terms with it, as depressing and soul wrenching as it is. Of course, it gets worse because I think it is partly that because we have spent so little time together, as we have both been so bust with house music, it is because he has realised that he can actually have a life that isn't just with me, he said himself that he just feel trapped. How sad, that not only do I have to let him go, but before I did that I made him really miserable and trapped.

In a way I am cross with him, because he hid his feelings of trapped-ness for several weeks, becasue we were in the middle of house music and it was really important to me, so he didnt want to upset me. But it meant everything he did then he didn't mean, he was just doing it to make me feel really happy, and I was really happy, so now it makes me cross to think that he could have done it so well, although at the very end i guessed, and now looking back i can see definite signs. Though there were some things that happened that I think he can't have done that while not loving me, but if I really think about it, then I'm scared that he did.

He was always so full of compliments, and saying how wonderful I was, that I should have known when he didn't say anything to me on the night of house music (the night before he broke it off) about how I looked (the house captains had to dress up in big dresses), his brother came up to me several times and said how nice i looked, but he never came to find me once, and there was a time when he literally wouldn't have left my side all evening, and he would have been happiest like that. It's so frustrating, because there's nothing I can do, i just have ot get used to it, and never go back to the way it was before. His birthday present to me this year was tikets to the theatre, but not until the end of november, so what am I to do? I'm still going to say that I want him to come, and if he doesn't then I will just give him the tickets back.

I had a big tidy up of my room today, and foundd all the small notes he'd written me and all the stuff of his - the odd socks, the books, and t-shirt, and I put them in a bag so that I could give them back to him. I'll see him in form tomorrow, and twice a day atleast for the rest of the year, as we are in the same form, typically he was put in the french form as he is the only guy that does French in the year.

So here I am living with it, dreading to tell people, because I know I'll cry again, and wishing that we had never gone out in the first place and then it wouldn't be so depressing now. The biggest problem I have is that us breaking up is the only thing I can do, he doesn't want me, then I can't make him. But at the same time I want him so much.

Instead, all I can do is lock up my feelings, so that we can atleast be friends, because it would be much worse if he couldn't even be friends with me, ut surely after nearly a couple of years he can't just turn around and find me repulsive and boring, although there is a small voice in the back of my head that tells me he can.