an epiphany... perhaps

He texed me last night, I couldn't believe i when I heard my phone go off - no one else is going to text me at that time. I didn't know what he would say, but the only other time he's texted me when we're not going out, is to ask me for coffee, or do something to suggest that he wants me to go out with him again. However, it was to say whether i wanted to borrow a book that I had given back to him, as he didn't think I had finished reading it. I told him that I would like to borrow it again as all I could remember was the beginning, and then he texted me telling me that he was sorry for what had ahppened (i.e. that he had broken up with me), I didn't know what to say, I htought that he was just completely over me. I told him that that was okay and he couldn't help his feelings, and then he texted back with the words "k, thankyou". Does that means he's okay now that he has been "forgiven"? It's not as though I was being strictly truthful anyway - of course it's not okay what happened, do I seem as though I am perfectly okay, there are so many things that I need to get straight in my head, such as there is no hope (just, in general) and every time he smiles at me I'm confused, let alone texts me at night.

I was nervous when I woke up this morning, and spent my whole bus journey moaning to kind listeners, who were very helpful, and suggested that I do everything that Nick didn't let me do - stupid things, like dance, sing out loud, or say the word "breats" (long story), this made me feel better. So when I got to school I was feeling positive, went to form, saw him at the other end of the class room, and so waited until the end of registation, so that he could give me the book. He did, and then I proceeded to try and talk to him normaly, as if he were anyone else - it didn't work, I asked him how his mother was "fine", apparently, and then we just walked on, I don't know what I had expected to happen, but I just expected it to be different. But it seems that now I have said its okay, he doesn't need me anymore, and would really prefer it if I just wasn't there - which I suppose is true, as that was the reason he left me. So I had the first lesson sitting in the canteen looking as though I would rather be anywhere other than there.

However, I had to leave after that to go home so that I could do my L-NAT, and on the way back I had a minor epiphany. I had really felt like texting Nick, to say that it wasn't okay, i felt rubbish, and that I wanted him to know it, it wasn't just that he had left me, that was bad enough, but now I was having thoughts in the way that I must have done something pretty drastic for any love he had for me just to fizzle out, and when he didn't comment on my dress for house music, well, he didn't even pretend, it wasn't as though he could find me attractive anymore, basically, I am stuck and he started it all. However, then I thought of how much he had changed from the Nick that he used to be, the one that was kind and caring ,and would do anything for me, and I realised, that it wasn't the same Nick as I knew anymore. He'd just changed so much, that I could hardly recognise him. And so I realised (I have realised), that I can get over him, because the Nick I loved doesn't exist anymore, he's somewhere else, and whats left I just don't know. Therefore, I can't wish to get back with Nick, and it doesn't even matter whether I speak to him or not, because he's not actually the person I want to speak to, the person I want it someone else, who lets face it, I'm not going to find again.

Its a good idea, I'm not saying that it will work, but its definitely the best idea that I have coem up with, and I can't say I'm over him, but atleast it might stop me wanting to see him every second of every corner, now I'm wishing for someone that doesn't exist! I wonder how long that is going to last for?? Not long I hope