Still Carrying On...

I feel slightly better today, although as ever am still barmy aout certain people. I have realised that it's much better when people don't tell me about how terrible I must be feeling, and it also means that I can't moan about Nick (although I still fit him in where possible) although, lets face it, that's probably better for eveybody else, as well as me. I went to my pantomime rehearsal yesterday, and was told that during Friday's rehearsal, the music teacher would take me and Dawn (my pantomime "partner") to go through all of our songs. However, Nick told me that he wouldn't be going to the pantomime rehearsal on Friday, so when I saw him this morning I asked him whether he had told Keith (music guy) that he wasn't coming, cos it sounded as though Keith was going to use him. So he said he might come then, but now I'm really worried that Keith isn't leading the chorous because they will be doing dancing and some such notion so, for the whole of the rehearsal he is just going to have to watch Keith, and me and Dawn sing, and it'll just look as though I wanted him to come so I told him he would be needed. Yet, at the same time if he said he was going to come and then doesn't it doesn't look greato n me, as I was the person that first introduced him.

I feel I haven't really done much today apart from starting reading "Little Men", which is the kind of quiet moral and Christian book, that is "nice", and surprisingly comforting. I keep wanting to talk to NIck, but feeling stupid when I do, so as soon as I stop talking to him I feel he wont be interested in just walking with me and so try and walk away, I did it after lunch registration, and then as he left to walk down another corridor he said "have fun" (to my back, as half of me had already left through the door), and, I don't know, I felt a mixture of sadness, that I could no longer talk to him like a normal person, and partly horror, that he must think me so rude, just turning my back on him, and thirdly how much I would like to just be able to talk to him. I know I can't just expect it to go all normal, however, I can't help it, I just want to have a really good chat with him, and ask him what he's been doing for the last couple of days. It's so frustrating because now that I have spent so much time with him, everyone else just don't really compare.

I went shopping after school, I haven't been for soo long, that I just had to buy some clothes, and when I went to the bus stop I just couldn't help looking out for him, as he had had his clarinet lesson, even though he wouldn't walk down the road until about ten minutes after I had left. This is the kind of crazy stuff I am left to. I still don't know what to wear on Friday, I don't think I am going to go in my ball dress, not just for Nick's sake, but I think I would feel so stupid, not enough people are doing it, and I now have a really nice skirt to wear, although no idea what shoes to wear. Also, because afterwards we would be going for coffee (the whole group of us) it means that I would have to walk around town in the dress as well. I think I just want to look normal and nice. Lets face it, I still just want to look nice enough for Nick to like me again - and lets face, it doesn't matter what I wear, I'm still going to be disappointed!