coming to terms with the necessary

So many things have happened since i started blogging (well, since i took up some space) that ou would have thought that I would have found something much more happy to blog about, i've been to a couple of birthdays had a completely hectic schedule, had an interhouse competition in my school, which i helped organise, and have thoroughly enjoyed life. But, no, I didn't find anything to blog about until Friday when my year and ten and a half month relationship fell apart, the boy in question no longer happy with me, having fallen out of love with me. Humourously enough, the morning after, for the first time I heard Craig David's new song called something like "Fallen out of Love with me" - how ironic. It took him three hours to make up his mind that he was definitely unhappy with me, which was painful, and meant that I was grasping at grains of hope for three hours.

The frustrating thing is, that if he really isn't in love with me anymore (and he isn't) then there is nothing either him or i can do about it, and therefore i must just come to terms with it, as depressing and soul wrenching as it is. Of course, it gets worse because I think it is partly that because we have spent so little time together, as we have both been so bust with house music, it is because he has realised that he can actually have a life that isn't just with me, he said himself that he just feel trapped. How sad, that not only do I have to let him go, but before I did that I made him really miserable and trapped.

In a way I am cross with him, because he hid his feelings of trapped-ness for several weeks, becasue we were in the middle of house music and it was really important to me, so he didnt want to upset me. But it meant everything he did then he didn't mean, he was just doing it to make me feel really happy, and I was really happy, so now it makes me cross to think that he could have done it so well, although at the very end i guessed, and now looking back i can see definite signs. Though there were some things that happened that I think he can't have done that while not loving me, but if I really think about it, then I'm scared that he did.

He was always so full of compliments, and saying how wonderful I was, that I should have known when he didn't say anything to me on the night of house music (the night before he broke it off) about how I looked (the house captains had to dress up in big dresses), his brother came up to me several times and said how nice i looked, but he never came to find me once, and there was a time when he literally wouldn't have left my side all evening, and he would have been happiest like that. It's so frustrating, because there's nothing I can do, i just have ot get used to it, and never go back to the way it was before. His birthday present to me this year was tikets to the theatre, but not until the end of november, so what am I to do? I'm still going to say that I want him to come, and if he doesn't then I will just give him the tickets back.

I had a big tidy up of my room today, and foundd all the small notes he'd written me and all the stuff of his - the odd socks, the books, and t-shirt, and I put them in a bag so that I could give them back to him. I'll see him in form tomorrow, and twice a day atleast for the rest of the year, as we are in the same form, typically he was put in the french form as he is the only guy that does French in the year.

So here I am living with it, dreading to tell people, because I know I'll cry again, and wishing that we had never gone out in the first place and then it wouldn't be so depressing now. The biggest problem I have is that us breaking up is the only thing I can do, he doesn't want me, then I can't make him. But at the same time I want him so much.

Instead, all I can do is lock up my feelings, so that we can atleast be friends, because it would be much worse if he couldn't even be friends with me, ut surely after nearly a couple of years he can't just turn around and find me repulsive and boring, although there is a small voice in the back of my head that tells me he can.