9th May

As usual, nothing much has happened. Had quite a boring day today, oh, have to mention stu yesterday, (promised him I would) yesterday, he not only dreamed about me naked, then tiend a plastic bag around my neck - it was painful (kind of). Ooh, something else that happened yesterday; I bit a bit of my tongue off, it was quite small but it bled loads, and was really painful.

Today, however, I did very little, a test in RE, read during critical thinking, and didn't do much during my free. Haggis invented the laughing game; if you laugh then he sleeps with you, if you don't then he jumps off a tall building. I'm not sure that there are any winners in that game! lol. Ddidn't do anything in theatre studies or lunch except laugh (I'd like to point out here that I did not join in the laughing game so it didn't matter that I laughed, lol). Then came home, and am procrastinating so that I don't have to write an English essay. lol, well thats about all for now - lol, don't ask about anything to do with Nick - you don't want to know the answer, all I can say is that I am working on my feelings, and they definitely need working on!

7th May

Well, we went to Alex's birthday meal - a thrilling affair. Lol, it was very nice - we went to Prezzos, and although Claire couldn't make it (a long story which no one would really get anything out of), everyone else could (I say everyone, there were only eight of us there). Anyway, we laughed, and ate, and drank, and generally had a good time. Highlights of the evening would be Jules telling us that they nearly lost louise in London (lou is Jules' sister), and after a long conversation (that I did not really take much part in), it was decided by a mixture of tom and mark (alex's boyf), that there would be no guy in Jack Hunt that I would consider going out with (there is a long list of credentials, apparently the fact that I don't want any piercings or tatoos make a big difference...? Anyway, after that we went briefly to the Drapers Arms and then to Alex's. Then after more talk we went home. A good evening, although it did finish rather early, although as I had to leave at twenty past midnight anyway, I didn't mind it not lasting a long time.

Saturday = Colemans, Leanne was in, and so we did no work but had a lot of fun, until about three o'clock, when I suddenly just wanted to sleep, I have never felt that dreadful at work, even when I haven't gone to bed until three, I don't know why I was soo tired, but I was and it hurt. lol. Don't really have any thrilling stories to tell, apart from a man proposing to whisk me oof to Beans in the near future (I might add that the man is in his late forties at least, and was the musical director of the pantomime that I did, and so knows me quite well - it doesn't make it quite so exciting!)

Saturday evening everyone was busy apart from me watkins and alex (well, nick wasn't very busy, but said that it didn't sound very good, and he'd be better off working). So we went to Watkins house and talked really, until half eleven, when I was half asleep, went back to Alex's and I must have been asleep by Midnight.

This morning, woke up, eventually left to get the ten past eleven, and met my mum while I was walking to the Bus station going to church, lol, which was nice, nearly joined her, but decided I should realy work ,as it is only two weeks and two days until my first exam. Anyway... here I am now.

Extra bits; I have started reading Wild Swans (Tom made me a library card, and got out the book for me!), its really brill, and I am trying not to just read it, but do other things as well, such as work (although at the moment I am procrastinating quite well). Oh, and I am not over Nick at all, but stuck between two planes, either people talk about him all the time and make jokes about us, and I can't get him out my mind. Or, we hardly mention him at all, and then I dream about him at night(duh, opposed to during the day?), right now, I am prefering to talk about him during the day, it is less emotional. lol, so when you see me, mention him, lol, that was a joke, don't really, I'll get really annoyed! lol. Anway, until next time...

4th May

Hey, again haven't done much, lol, err, although had a two hour driving lesson which was a bit of a mission as I had to re-arrange it becuase of my hair appointment (lol, i have had my hair cut!), but in the end it all got sorted out. Its way too hot at the moment, and so I am going to go and have some tea and sit out in the garden, which will be fun. Lol. Anyway... have to go now as my mum wants to use the internet, but if i come on again in the evening i might add further detail to my already lacklustre description of my day. You may be given such delicacies as what happened in house assembly, and whether brian and mip agreed with my petriburgian report, and what i had to do with nick miss calabraise and nicks french oral... itll be a ball, until then...

3rd of May

Hope everyone has had fun. As ususal I haven't done much. Finished my book on the bus this morning which was brill, its called Holy Fools, and is written by the same woman that wrote chocolat, which I should read as she is an amazing authoress, lol. Started the school day with English where we finally finished Surfacing! Its exciting stuff, and now we are on to poem revision, yay. In RE we spent a whole double matching up bits of paper with questions and answers and then writing them down. Had frees for the rest of the day where Joyce mentioned that I'd started blogging again and people promised to comment (so do!). Went to Alex's for afternoon activites which was really brill cos we finally gave her the dvd that tom made her with everyone wishing her a happy birthday. Its really hysterical, lol, and I have realised that I sound really posh, like, really posh, I was surprised, but it does make sense now, when I think back to all the people who have called me posh (nearly everyone I can think of). After Alex's I went shopping, and was completely thrilled with my purchases, which shall be making their debut (john would pronounce it deebutt, lol) on Friday! which I am also looking forward to!

Haven't really done much else as I got the late bus back, but I have got lots to do, so I shall leave you with that quick update, and hope that everyone has had a day that is as good as mine.

err the 2nd of April?

well haven't really been made to do anything today. I have had eight frees, well, strictly six, but then mr forsyth let us go and do research, which was deifinitely not collapsing the lesson, as too few people were there. So, I have started writing the Petriburgian article for school house, written an re essay and done more revision. It has been relatively unproductive and boring. lol.

Got home early (as I had a load of frees), not done much else, at the moment I am wondering how early I can go to bed without looking stupid, as I can't really think of anything else to do except work. Oh, guess who I saw when I was out for my run... same person I saw at Berans yesterday, I felt really silly ,even though I had no reason to, as obviously I had no idea he was going to be there etc.

Oh, and I feel really stupid, Nic= secret busted fan, and I have the Busted CD that he hasn't got (the first one, that is better than the rest), anyway, just texted him to say that I had a copy of it if he wanted it, I thought that just because of our recent mishaps it wasn't really a reason to deny someone something that they would really like. Anyway, so I texted him, only to recieve a reply to the words of "no thanks. You can have too much of good thing", how stupid do I feel? - alot, is the answer, I was only trying to be normal, and he was waxing lyrical about them in form today, so either he was lying to everyone when he said how much he liked them, or he thinks by accepting a copy of some Busted cd, he is implying something deeper. I'm really frustrated, and want to tell him so, but I can't without sounding stupider myself. I have come to the conclusion that no way can you be good friends with an ex, unless you leave so long inbetween your relationship and your friendship that you actually have no recollection of what it is like going out with them at all. As I don't think I will ever reach that point, I feel that I may have to just stop trying to be nice to Nick and give him up for being dead (not literally, just in a friend kind of way).

Anyway, not much else has happened, ooh, apart from the fact that I knew I had to get the ten past three bus on thursday but couldn't remember for the life of me why, it took me half an hour before I realised that that is the day I am getting my hair cut, and the appointment is at four o'clock! lol. Anyway, everyone have a good evening, and try not to feel as stupid as I do!

bank holiday monday

I'm procrastinating... lol. Haven't done much today (I feel I always say that). Got up and did a deskstudy (English paper), it was easy, but it hasn't been marked yet, so there was probably a whole lot stuff I missed out. Had lunch, and didn't do much in the afternoon, went for coffee with Jenny (sister), she wanted to go to Beans, so we did but guess who was working there (if you don't know then I'm not going to tell you), and well lets just put it this way... I'm not going there again, I will continue to boycott it, as I have done these last six months. Anyway, got home, wondered around, still not doing much, talked to my mother who has the interest of a thousand men at the moment (turns out shes not going out with the rugby guy, she just keeps meeting him), anyway, so listened to all her stories of unsuitable guys and why there not that brill.

Jenny has just shown me the greatest time waster in the world, add it to your hotmail, its smarterchild@hotmail.com its a robot thing, and you cna ask it question and it answers them, and although you could easily get bored with it, it is fun for the first five minutes if you like that kind of thing.

Haven't really done much else, read a bit, gone for a run, had tea, now thinking about going to bed, lol. A nice day, but not really one where much has been achieved; have six frees tomorrow, so I don't really need to work, at all. which is good, althoguh I should have done more revision this weekend, I am using the excuse that I have no suitable books on the cosmological argument, lol, well it works for me!

In general I am happy, just kind of floating along, looking forward to Friday (it'll be brill), and uni in general and wishing that exams were over, and we had all the right results... actually I was happier but now have listened to several of Nick's favourite songs, so now feeling not quite so good, but still kind of happy, downloaded the best song last night "hooked on a feeling" (did I put that in my last blog), still very excited about it though, I have wanted it for ages but have never known what it was called. Anyway, gotta go, lol, I'm just soo busy (that was sarcasm), ooh, btw, I am trying to improve on my sarcasm, it wont work, but I' mtrying to be more obvious when I am sarcastic, well I'm trying the best I can, I'll see what happens. lol.

30th April

The last day of April today, this month has gone so quickly ,and now its about to be May! scary stuff. Had our last whole school assembly on friday, which i found personally quite disappointing, we sang Jerusalem, but the guy played a different accompaniament (I spelt that wrong) to usual, so it sounded weird, but we sang it afterwards with mr jenkins playing, which made it moderately better. The MP Steven Jackson came in and did an assembly on trade, afterwards there was a sixth form discussion which was fun, me and andrena had frees so we went along. He was such a typical politician, he wouldn't give you any figures you asked for (although a lot of statistics), and he contradicted himself blatantly at several different points. If I had to vote and I lived in the Peterborough constituency I would definitely not vote for him. lol, although the others are probably no better.

Didn't do much on Saturday at Colemans, it was really quiet we hardly made £850, but we pottered round doing odd jobs, did tuck shop - terrible happening - freddos have gone up to 15p!!! thats a 50% increase, can you believe it? its an outrage, and we are all shocked, the most terrible part of theis cadbury scheme is that they used to write 10p on the packets, but now that they have gone up to 15p, they have just left the packets blank, so it looks as though it is the shops fault. We all think that Cadburys will put the price down though; we used to go through six boxes of freddos a weeks, but since the price changed on a Thursday loads of people have been boycotting them, and so cadburys wont even sell two thirds of the amount that they usually do, which they would need to, to break even. Saturday evening we went to Watkins' and watched reservoir dogs, it was quite good, although also slightly disturbing, especially when the guy had his ear cut off, i thought it was really clever how the camera didn't show it straight after it had happened, cos you were waiting for it to be shown and it wasn't, if that makes sense. The sound track is quite brill too including one song that I have been trying to find for ages, argh, what was it called? "hooked on a feeling" i think - its really cool, they used it in Ally McBeal, lol.

Slept the night at Allie's and then went on the ten past ten, went home and revised a bit, before then coming back into town to have hot choclate with some people plus beth who couldn't make the previous night, it was fun. After coffee we went shopping for a bit and i realise that i really want new clothes and shoes (althoguh i would probably never wear the shoes..., anyway, so I have decided I am going clothes shopping on wednesday, perhaps, or it might just turn into shopping for a dress to wear to the leavers dinner. I wanted to wear my pink one (some might remeber it, it was the one I wore to do the sixth form revue in, and my eighteeenth birthday) but the material is quite heavy, its not really quite right, so I'll see what I can find; I also want a new skirt, so I'm sure my trip will be fun etc. Ooh, I'm gettign my haircut on Thursday as well, which I have been needing to do for ages. lol. Its all happening! lol.

Not much else has happened to me; update on Nick, I go through days of feeling he sucks and days where I still think that he's amazing (i try to focus on him sucking; obviously in the metaphorical sense of the word - why I'm not deleting that sentence is beyond me). Still can't find anyone else attractive, which is my major downfall, but I'm trying very hard, so you never know... lol, another update; everyone keeps being really rude to me, I have started to retalliate using rude words, it isn't like me, although what with that and taking bigt bites of my sandwhiches it lloks like I'm just a new person! lol. Hope everyone is well and is having a fun bank holiday weekend!!!

26th april

So how cool was Alex's then? lol, it was the best tuesday night i have had in a while, i can safely say! I would mention all the people that were there, but there were way too many names, lol, and for anyone that didn't come - shame on you! lol. The highlights were probably the cakes, ratchett screwdriver and no one being sick, even though some people (not mentioning any names) had a surprising amount of absinth (is it spelt with a "y"?), anyway, luckily it finished quite early, and I got to bed about midnight and was quite awake this morning although am quite tired now. However, it has all been fun, and I think everyone enjoyed themselves, anyone feel free to send me photos, i forgot my camera, and so don't have any!

Haven't really done much , apart from realise how much i need to revise; i don't know anything that i knew last year, and i feel bad cos i'm missing a colemans art evening, but i really don't want to go, as they are a little patronising, and no one else is going either. Maybe next week. Anyway, thats about it for now, at the moment I am fine, and trying to curl my hair without any success (well a very small amount), anyway, everyone have a good night.

23rd April

Quick update over what I did over my weekend.

On Saturday worked at Colemans, it was really funny, didn't really do any work, but had fun, we read interesting children's books, and we eneded up creating ways to make letters and numbers with our bodies, it sounds confusing, but it was more hysterical than anything else. In tuck shop it was really funny, Lucy said "can I help you" to one guy, who replied in an uncaring voice "if you want", it sounds funnier when you say it, opposed to when i try to type it. After work, we all all went to Tom's, apart form I got there ten mins early, so Tom's sister opened the door, and I had the surreal feeling that nobody was going to turn up apart from me. However, it was fun, and Andrena made fairy cakes; they were brill. We went to Macdonalds and then me and alex went back to Alex's which was fun, well, we just kind of talked etc.

Alex's brithday in two days, hope everyone is ready to spend a night in her garden! It will be fun, weather-wise its meant to be really warm although cloudy, but it isnt meant to rain, so fingers crossed, oh and everyone remeber to bring food and drink. lol. (Even if it does rain, there will be a gazebo, so don't let that put anyone off)

Anyway, I have to go and do English coursework and an RE essay, so everyone have a good Sunday, and see everyone at school tomorrow!

21st April

Well, I am determined to write almost every day, even if it just means i end up being very boring (it can't get much worse I hear you shout; it can). Today I have been taking part in a drama thing that was filmed with a random man, it is to make an educational video, and was 'interesting' although we got to go early, so that was a bonus, the downside was that we had to miss our entire break and lunch, so i didn't get to see anyone, but nm...

Working tomorrow at Colemans and apparently there has been some scandal this week... so we have to wait and see what happens and how much we are told about tomorrow, but in a couple of weeks we are all going to do stocktaking and then go out for a meal, so I am sure we will be able to tell any tension within the group! lol.

I have been really happy all day, nothing much has really happened, but nothing bad has happened, I woke up to find that I have two more easter eggs, as my aunties had given them to my granddad who my mother had been to see yesterday (if that makes sense), so in a way I am excited, however, I had really hoped that I wasn't going to get that much chocolate this easter, and the amount I have had has just doubled, nevertheless as I am finding the impotus to run every day at the moment (well isnce sunday) I can kind of eat more without minding it.

It is Friday and so I have no work to do tonight, although a final draft of english coursework and an essay to do over the weekend, so perhaps I should begin... I am sure it will be fine if I wait!

Anyway, I hope everyone has a good weekend, and that everyone has fun over the next few days...

easter holidays

I haven't posted anything for ages, and so thought I should update everyone in general. Easter was interesting. I went to the beach with Alex, tom and mark, it was really windy which was ashame cos it would have been much better otherwise, but even so, we had fun, got sand in all our sandwhiches (but less in mark's as it was prepackaged!), and we discovered hunstanton, which was also windy, but the boys played on the arcade games, managing to earn enough tickets to exchange them for two sherbert dummys, which they appeared to have fun with, so all in all it was good, filled with flick combs and fish and chips.

That was the thing that stood out mosti n the first week, then Alex went to France, where she had a wonderful time, I kind of went around met up with people, ooh, on the first Tuesday I cycled into Peterborough and back again in a day! I was really impressed and it was really sunny, so on the way there I had a wonderful time, however, I was so tired on the way back that I ended up cycling really slowly; it took me an hour and a half to cycle there and two hours to cycle back, as I got lost, in total I did about forty mile, which doesn't sound much, but I havent cycled for ages, but it was good.

Went dancing in Flares with Andrena and Alison, well, mainly Andrena as I had forgotten to warn Ali about the music, and we all foudn out when we got there that it wasn't quite her cup of tea, but it worked out well in the end, as she invited mike out, and me and andrena spent the evening dancing and trying to put off really ugly men from coming to talk to us, which was surprisingly difficult, but if you dance with your back to them they don't really have a choice, although at one point I did get several to do the hand jive...

Went and played badminton with the girls on tuesday (the one just gone), kind of a ritual thing we do every holiday, it was fun, although not quite as good for our health as we had hoped as we just went back to Alex's afterwards and ate loads of chocolate. lol.

I have been watching a lot of Ally McBeal recently, which is probably bad for me, but it is funny at times, and I am trying to watch all the episodes I have before I start doing revision so that I don't get distracted (it just means I'll get distracted about something else).

It's Alex's birthday next Tuesday, so we are all excited, something to do, lol, although apparently people are staying over in tents, so who knows what will happen on the Wednesday when they will have to get up and go to school, but if they are mad enough to try... lol.

Feeling good about Nick at the moment, it was a month yesterday since we broke up, and you'll be thrilled that I haven't been blogging or I would have included random rants about him. He is behaving slightly weirdly in a kind of not talking to me very much way, but I think that I am getting over him quite quickly. Although sadly only for the reason that I believed at the time he loved me, but in retrospect I'm not sure he did. That is just my interpretation, and might be completely wrong, however, it does make it a lot easier to deal with. lol, it also means I have a lot more time for revision after school! yay.

Slightly woried about my summer exams, and a lot about my English coursework, I have to re-work almost all the pieces and they are not brill, in fact if I get an A it will be dodgy, and I cannot afford to mess up any of my exams, but at the same time need 3 A's to get into university, ooh I should probably do the UCAS thing and tell them which uni I want to go to...

Well I'm going to go, so that I can got on with work, hope people had a fun easter

19th of March

I realise that I haven't blogged for a while... I have been busy. Quite a lot has happened, we had the sixth for revue, which was fun, I did the four yorkshire men with haggis, joyce and cunliffe, which was good fun, and an extract from our A-level play with Amy, it went surprisingly well; we adapted it to the audience and did a headmistress and pupil routine, which worked well.

I have started driving again, lol, my mum is taking me out every Sunday and I am having lessons which are going very well.

Possibly the biggest news I have is that me and Nick have split up, yes, before anyone asks it is proper, i.e. we don't want to get back together, it will not be like last time; he finds me boring and annoying, I find him uncaring and inhumane, so together I guess we don't make the best couple, lol, so thats it, but we (I mean me, but probably him too) have had such a depressing couple of weeks that I think it is a bit of a relief, we haven't done one happy thing together since pancake day when we all went to Beths. It also means that we have finished the chocolate competition but I think I might continue anyway until something happens, I tend to not eat unnessecary food when I have broken up with Nick, lol; I have to make an effort for the rest of the world now. Anyway, lol, atleast we wont have to worry about the long distance relationship from uni to uni now!

Really I am writing this becuase I have way too much homework and I am trying to distract myself, but I will force myself to carry on. Anyway, have fun everybody.

23rd of Feb

Hey, again it has been a while, but not very much has changed. lol. Am still plodding on at school, it hasn't been very exciting today, although we were continually teasing Mr B. about his age all drama lesson which was kind of entertaining. Our play is going amazingly well, lol, we are blocking it all, and it is very exciting.

I definitely have cancelled the craft fair now, i e-mailed the enthusiastic woman and she said she wasn't surprised that therer wasn't enough interest in it, she'd tried to do stuff before and there wasn't any interest out there. So atleast she wasn't cross. lol

Half term was good; have I amready written about that? I feel I have, but if not, it was brill, as was valentines day etc. Everybody else has seemed to have a nice time etc

Still no idea what to do for the summer yet, we'll have to get Andrena onto it, hint hint, lol, nah, I'm sure we will think of something.

At the moment I am having a small moral dilema about the play that I am doing as part of my Amateur dramatics group. The problem is that it is really rude, and I am the only girl in it, there is one woman of about sixty, and about five men of atleast forty five, balding and/or fat. The problem should not be with how they look, apart from the fact that I have to flirt with them and find them attractive on stage as part of my character. The script says I have to snog one of them (but I am refusing), and not only do all the men make lurid jokes on stage (as part of the script,) but they make them off the stage as well. I feel like some kind of sexual object and I can definitely see the appeal of being a Muslim women and wearing a hijab, so that men cannot make jokes. I find it really rude, its not as if these men are my age, they are atleast twenty seven years older. So I would really like to quit the play, but they have no one else to play my part (btw, I have to do worse things off stage with them, by the end of the play, I have slept with all of them minus one). So I will continue, but I think I am going to have a word with the director. Its all a bit dodgy, why they wanted to do that paly in the first place is beyond me.

Anyway, enough moral dilemas for now, I will try and write more often here... and keep you updated on what happens!

thursday 8th feb (I've got bored with making up titles

Nearly half term! Not much happened today, I wrote to my grandma and granddad (Andrena persuaded me to), I feel I should do it more often as they really love getting letters from me, so it seems like a nice thing to do.

Nick was away today in Bristol, he had a medical interview, which he said went okay, so I guess that means it was fine. I still haven't heard from Bristol uni yet, I'm really annoyed, I just want them to reply!

I feel really bad, I had this great idea of doing a craft exhibition in Oundle, but I only had one really enthusiastic person, so I thought I would leave it, but now that person has sent me a load of photos, which she has obviously spent time doing, I feel really bad just saying that there isn't enough interest.

Theatre studies is brill at the moment, we have the best group (no offense to anyone else, I am sure your groups are brill too) and we have the best play (again no offense), and it is really exciting, poor Beth has been cutting the whole play, although she thinks we might be cutting out the character reversal thing that we were going to do, which means everyone will have to be happy with the character they get, although that is not the biggest problem, as all the characters are great, and you can really play up to them, and it means we can do more on costume.

Thought the ball on Saturday was okay, the music was awful, me and Nick left forty five minutes early, he suggested it, but I followed readily. The food was much better though, and obviously as usual everyone looked great etc.

I am going life drawing tomorrow and am really excited, lol, I haven't done any art for ages, went into Colemans today where me, Lucy and Katie work (told you that I'd mention you somewhere!), and bought characoal, lol, and some cartridge paper! Its going to be fun.

Tom has begun to teach me A-level maths, I now know what a modulus is, and an argument (in the mathematical sense), which is more exciting than it should be.

I really want to do something humerous for the sixth form revue, like the lumberjack song last year, but am lacking the energy, but if anyone else has any good ideas and needs someone to join in I am here (as long as you don't need much talent, lol, or any musical talent!) other than that, I think I might make myself available bnack stage, there was a really helpful guy that sat at the front with microphones last year, lol, so I am hoping to fulfill his role!

I am generally happy and well, half term is on its way, and all the girls are getting together on Saturday! (although in a way that is bad, because now, the last time I can see Nick before he goes on holiday is the Fridau, but he is only away for three days) and then Valentines Day, lol, and a drama rehearsal (obviously the pinacle of the holiday!)

Oh, everyone who wants to know when we will be taking pictures for the year book; it will be on the Tuesday and Thursday lunchtimes in the common room, me and Nick Haste will be taking them, so make sure you have good hair, or you'll be remembered for having rubbish hair (lol, exciting creative writing, with a variety of adjectives!)

Don't think anything else happened today... oh apart from it was Haggis' birthday, so to celebrate him and Joycee blew up condoms... over their heads, which was humerous, although was also quite frightening as they made a really big noise when they popped. lol, i think that is everything that has happened of any interest. lol.

i know its been a while...

It has been ages since I have blogged, but I haven't really had anything to say. My exams have gone, well, English re-sit was fair (I guess, it might have been rubbish). I just got my l-nat score 18, i think it was out of 30, but the average is 16.9, so I guess that it is better than average! lol.

We have just got our theatre studies group sorted, we have the most brill group, and we are doing something that we like, unlike the Glass Menagerie, which I'm sure is great if you like that sort of thing, but if you don't then it seems as though it would be really boring.

Nick has done the sweetest thing, he was going to be away for valentines day, with his family in Wales, but he is getting the train back instead, so that he can be with me. Isn't that the sweetest thing, although I think he is using it as a plot to have the house to himself for a couple of days before his family get home!

I promised I would mention Joycee, lol, da dah, he seems to have an obsession with my scarf (along with everyone else) at the moment, the blue and green one with a hole through the middle.

All the girls are going to have a girly evening in a couple of weeks time (i say all, i mean five of us), alex wanted it this saturday, but me and beth declined as there was the ball to go to instead (apparently she forgot!)

Anyway, all is fun and good in the world, and I am off to Leeds tomorrow for an open day, although it means that I wont have seen Nick for three days (well, after school), but I'm sure it will be fun (Leeds I mean), I am going with my mother, which means that we can leave late, as we don't have to be there till one, and so I can have a lie in! Yay!

helloo

Hey, I haven't blogged for a while, I know, but I have been busy revising, well, kind of. Not really done much at all, thats really why I haven't blogged, but have various things to tell;

My pantomime is being performed at the end of the month tickets cost £4.50, and can be brought through me, there is a group of ppl coming (hopefully), it is performed in oundle, if you are interested say something

I am orgainising a craft fair for the easter holidays, if you are interested in a) being in it, or b) coming down to have a look, then again talk to me and I will give you the details, if you know anyone (preferably adult) who is crafty and is interested, please tell me also

I now really like Frank Turner, random guy that was introduced on the Zane Lowe show, I'm not really into music, but the song was really good, so I googled him, and listened to some other stuff and he's brill, lol, he's the lead singer of Million dead, if that means anything to anyone, but this stuff is really mellow, and cool, I like the song that you cant download from myspace best, "cassanova's..." something, anyway, check it out, lol.

Don't think I have any more messages atm, lol, but am doing fine etc, looking forward to the ball! and exams!

dooby doo

Feel much better today! lol, don't know why I went weird, anyway, I have had a fun day, trying to do my theatre studies, although failing quite badly, I have only done 1 piece, and I needed to do three! Tidied my room, which took quite a while, and found the christmas card that I had given to Nick in a random bag, I think that secretly he didn't want it! lol, but I told him that I am going to make sure he takesi t home with him tomorrow.

At the moment I am deciding whether to go to my panoitmime rehearsal, I think I probably should, but I do have to work, and I can't quite be bothered to move form my computer screen, I know that's really lazy, but if I don't do my drama now, I never will, and then I will fail my A-level and everything will all go wrong. lol.

I'll think about it

christmas and new year and on

I haven't blogged for ages... anyway, christmas was brill, I went up to Manchester to see all my family, and my family from Ireland came over too, and I haven't seen tham for many years. It was really good, and we just ate and laughed etc. I then went with friends to the Lake District, really od group we went with, but it was really good, adn we got to know each other much better etc. Got trapped in snow and ice occaisionally up there, it was quite icy, but didn't suffer any major collisions, and so we got home in one piece for new year. Went to Toms for new years, it was really nice to see everyone again, esecially the girls, as we hadn't seen each other for ages, and it was usually just the girls, as there seemed to be a weird segregation thing going on - fun - not. Anyway, I didn't stay the night at Toms but went home with Nick, and was really annoyed with him as it was our two year anniversairy and he spent all night with Watkins, but then I felt sorry for him, cos the group always go on at him for spending too much time with me at group things, and then I complain when he doesn't spend time with me. But, five hours after midnight he said new year to me, and that was that, we went home at about half four/five, and I didn't wake up properly till two-ish. My mother picked me up, but didn't let me drive home, and then I came home, ate tea, watched Chicago, and haven't done much else. Invited Nick to Oundle on Tuesday and that was about it... err, yeah...
Atm, I am feeling surprisingly stressed, I get stressed by anything and everything, and at the moment am feeling really irritated and unbalanced and am just generally unhappy, but with no reason at all, and no idea why I am, perhaps it is because it is late...? I'm going to bed, lol.

dooby doo...

lol, just thought I should let everybody know what i have been doing lately. lol. I got into cardiff on three A's no surprises, but it is slightly annoying, apparently Joey's (MD of colemans) nephew has just finished doing law there, and she says it he really enjoyed it. Yesterday Nick took me out to Ask for a meal, we have been trying to go for ages, but things just kept coming up, and so we eventually went last night, it was very nice, the food was good, and equally there were humerous groups on each side of us for me to laugh at!

Had to get up early today as we had a drama rehearsal for Loves Labours Lost, some of the main characters didn't turn up, so i got to read lots of people's parts, lol, which was fun, I hope if anyone becomes ill I can take over their part, lol, I sware I am the person who knows the most (obviously apart form those who actually have a part!). Went back to Nick's afterwards, and we had pizza for lunch (ooh) and then I left to go home and do homework, which I am trying to put off atm!

I am very happy just in general, and am very contented, am looking forward to the week, we have to social and chris' and late night opening Thursday night in Oundle (we have to hand out panto leaflets), it's all very exciting. Oooh, and Jules has an Oxford interview Mon tues and wed, so if you read this Jules, good luck!

Over and Out

hay ho

just wanted to tell everyone what a fab weekend I had, well mostly. I didn't get an interview at Oxford, yes, 85% of applicants that apply get an interview, and I was one of the 15%, how embarrasing, but on the good side, that was the only terrible thing that happened to me all weeekend, and now I can go to Leicester on the 7th of Decmber instead (a university more at my "real" level). Anyway... had fun on Saturday at Colemans, although Lucy wasn't there as she was in the Peak district, but we had Debbie and she's really nice, so the day went by quickly, we did all our jobs and chatted. At last the ladies know that I am back with Nick, I didn't know how to tell them, but I had to ask for Sunday off so that I could go to the theatre with him! So, after work, went home, found out about Oxford, and then went to Nick's (mum drove!), and realised I had left the tickets at my house, told Nick, he rang the theatre and it turned out that it started at seven anyway, not seven thirty, so his mum gave us a lift. We were just in time, we had gone to see the Jungle Book, and unfortunately, the mean age of the audience was seven. I was in a really bad mood due to Oxford, and so I wasn't really in the mood to laugh along with many small children, and the first half passed without revelation. Anyway, then in the opening of the second half Nick jumped two inches out of his chair when the "baddie" came on, it was so funny, it was so obvious where he was coming on from and at what time, even I didn't jump! I haven never laughed so much, and after that the rest of the performance was humerous. The songs were the best, they kept repeating a single line in each one, and the tunes were really mournful, with obvious rhymes, apart form the last song (talk about saving the best till last!), which was just fantastic (suddenly). Anyway, it finished, and it was really cold, so Nick's mum came nad picked us up. We went back to Nick's had take away pizza and watched family guy and American Dad! lol, We had no rehearsal in the mornign as Mr B. is also in the Peak District so we did not do much all afternoon and then went Christmas shopping after lunch. A perfect day.

Came home, cooked dinner for the family, we ate, mum bought jaffa cakes as a special treat (we don't have biscuits in the house), and Andrena has come up with a brill idea of a Christmas holiday! It's all good!

...

I'm not particularly happy atm. I've had a few nice days, yesterday went and did salsa again, which was fun, next wekk I move up to the beginner group (atm I am in some "I don't know anything about salsa group"), which is a lot more exciting than it sounds. Spent the night at Nick's, as I was going to be up to go to the RE trip early today. Woke at six, and left his house, unintentionally waking everybody in the house up on my way out. Walked to Tom's and from there went to school. We went to the RE trip. on the way there I read random book that a year twelve recommended to me, it was surprising and unnecessarily rude, but had nothing else to read lol. RE lecture was good, we had two speakers, one, Peter Vardy was really good and the other one was really mediocre, lol, but the last talk he did on the problem of evil (one of my favourite topics), was really good, and he ended it very well, lol, so that was all fun. On the coach on the way back texted Nick to ask what time he owld be going to panto, but apparently he doesn't want see me beofrehand, as he has to have dinner (my mum says that I am being to sensitive, as he does have to eat) but he didn't seem that bothered, and so we might see each other today or not, the fact that he is sitting in a hall somewhere half a mile form where I live is obviously beside the point totally. Anyway, a mixture of Tom and stupid book I am reading has made me really paranoid, and am slowly cracking up, am going to turn up to rehearsal that I don't have to attend, and ask whether we can talk, can't do it tomorrow as we are going to the theatre to see the jungle book (my 18th birthday present), I'm so cross with everything atm, I wish I didn't hae to play games with peoplel, and that they could just say how they felt. I think this is also partly to do with the fact that I haven't eaten for a while and am over-tired. Frustratingly, still love him though, ironic!

on fire, (joke relating to being burnt) lol

Haven't been online for ages, well, not long enough to blog, anyway.
On Friday I burnt myself with the iron! I now have a massive scar scab thing about four inches up from my wrist, and looks like I have started mutilating myself - I have not! Went to Lucy's party on Friday night, really good. Lol, me and Nick were talking about how we prob spend too much time together, and so for the first half of the night I was determined to stay out of his way, lol, and so I had fun and danced etc, and then saw him for the last hour and a half or so, lol, it worked very well, and was a really good party - she has loads of talented musicians who are her friends (Nick got massive blisters on his fingers!). Went to work on Saturday, duidn't do mcuh, apart from all our thousands of jobs that we now have to do since our appraisals, i weighed out a few sweets, and did bits of everything, lol. In the evening went to Nicks, to find him dipping his fingers in vinegar (apparently it makes them stronger), watched half of the house of flying daggers, then had pizza, then watched the other half, lol, then went to bed, its a really long film, lol.
Anyway, Sunday, woke up early, dragged ourselves out of bed to get to school for 9:30 so that we could go to a loves labours rehearsal in the DW, it was actually really fun, I love people that do drama, they're so funny. Went back to Nick's afterwards, and then got the ten past three home. Didn't do mcuh in the evening apart from watch the pilot episodes of Ally McBeal, and do a bit of homework, oh and watched Notting Hill, its so funny, Hugh Grant is wonderful! lol
Monday, got up, late as I was tired from having watched Notting Hill, then once I had got ready mum offered to give us a lift as Jenny has buggered her knee up. So we (jenny) was lectured in the car all the way to school, but it meant that we diodn't have to stand in the freezing cold waiting for the bus! yay!. Got to school, didn't do much, it was really terrible though, p.2. I got off, so went ot the canteen, and Nick was there, I didn't see him (as I am blind), and he didnt say! "hi" as he thought that I was ignoring him, why would I ignore him? anyway, after that terribleness, had a really nice rest of the day, and went for coffee and cake, which was very nice, although Nick did steal the last bit of my iced bun! lol, and I declared I would never marry him, as he would just steal my food all the time! lol. Anyway, came home via the bus, with Katie M, her brother and Sando, so it was just really funny. Got home, ate tea, watched the Simpsons, and then went online. I am just about to go to panto rehearsals in a few mins, and so am debating whether to get changed or go in my school uniform, lol. Its all fun.

dum de dum

wow, my titles are getting worse and worse. Anyway, to day I have had fun, although have been quite tired as I stupidly stayed up to watch Lord Of the Rings last night, even though I have already seen it. So today, was tired, but we still got to the bus on plenty of time, got to school (late), and had frees first thing, did my English homework, but couldn't print it off as all the school printers had gone weird, and none of them would work. Had Ebglish, uneventful, and then break, in theatre studies, we did a speed run of our paly and then talked for the rest of the lesson, but I really need to know my lines better, its appalling, anyway. At lunch Nick had further maths, so I went into town with Ali and Polly, but got back to school right at the end of lunch, and didn't see him, he didn't turn up to registration and it turned out that further maths had been cancelled as Mr Pinshon (?) hadn't arrived. But, nm, so i was a little annoyed that I hadn't seen him all day, but he was at the foyer at then end of the day, so it was okay, i would normally have seen him after school but i had a theatre studies rehearsal, and so couldnt. We had our theatre rehearsal, and Mr B. said it was good, which was amazing (although we thought it was quite good too), to the last group he said they were a shambles!

We went to deep pan afterwards, lol, in true theatre studies style, and I am now stuffed, got the 6:10 back with Polly, which was a riot, lol, oh and I haven't said a word about our berets, we found these really cool hats (berets) in the drama workshop for our play, and they are really cool, so atm we are going around wearing them, they are grey and so match the school uniform, which makes it funnier. Anyway, came home, and am now writing this, and about to go out to my pantomime rehearsal.

I have realised that the only bad thing about blogging at this time, is that you don't get to hear what happens in my evening, but nothing exciting happens, so its probably just as well! lol

on and on

Haven't blogged for a while, haven't really been on. Not done much, a quick run down on my weekend; Friday, went to panto rehearsal after school, was fu, but I sang appallingly, but it was still fun and am making good friends with Dawn, the girl that plays Robinson Crusoe. Also, John told me about these salsa classes he goes to, they sound really good and i might join.

Saturday I spent at Colemans, we had our appraisals, we are all fine, but we don't do enough jobs, lol, the same as last year, but my wages went up, minimally, lol, so its all fun. We had a really busy day the only things I had time to do were stock sheets and customers, we made 2,200, which is pretty decent at this time of year, although we needed to make 3,000 to beat the week we had last year, nm. Sat eveing went home and changed and then headed to Nicks, we were going to his dads birthday thing at the greyhound track. I had spent the day umming and erring whether to get him anything, then decided on just a card (apparently a pot plant wasn't the 'thing') and then I didn't even give him a card as it seemed out of place. Anyway, walked to the dog's, its 'past' the regional, we were told, like, a mile past, lol. Anyway, and then we had dinner, and betted and had general enjoyment, Lorna (dads 'new' wife (shes not really new anymore) ) and Liam, Lorna's son were also there, and we all had fun (michael, Nick's bro was also there). Stayed there until, err, I'm actually not sure of the time, but it was quite late, went back to Nick's stayed the night. However, had to wake up really early (well kind of) as he was going to his rehearsal at 9:30, so got up after he left, spoke to his mother, nearly tidied his room, lol, and then his mother told me she was going at eleven, meaning, I thought that she meant, could I leave before then. I said that it didn't matter anyway as I was leaving at half ten, but she said that that was probably easier as she wouldn't have to give me a key and show me how to work the alarm etc, but I thought that that was really sweet, that, I don't know, she would let me stay in the house on my own, etc.

Went home Saturday morning, went ot the coffee tavern as I was in the middle of reading Northanger Abbey, but it was really loud in there, as there were loads of school kids, so in the end I went to the co-op to buy some food for tonight. I had bought potatoes form Waitrose in the morning, but htay hadn't had any decent beef, so I waited, but they didn't have any beef fillets at all, so now I'm not sure what we are doing for tea. Walked home with the rest of the shopping, got in, asked mum how Mark was (random guy that mum went out with last night), apparently wasn't brill, and had lunch, now am trying to put off my philosophy homework, again, lol. Its all fun.

hey hey

I have had a good day to day, well, lol, most of it. Got mockedi n front of my English class as I was meant ot be doing this presentation on legalese, and Ms had asked me to get a bit of hansard to look at, cos tht was legalese, got a bit, read it out in my presentation, and then shes tells me its not legalese, it sounds stupid, but it was really embarrasing.

Felt really sorry for Allie today, her drama is not going well, and it brought it back to me that the performace is less than a week away, so we really worked during the lesson today and went through a large run through in the lesson, and although there were a few minor disputes, it was really good, and we went through the whole play, hopefully our good work will continue tomorrow...?

Had debate club today, it was really good, we argues about that case with the Manchester lady who wants parents to have the right to know if their children are having an abortion under the age of sixteen (i think of course they should have the right), there were quite a few people there and humerous points were mentioned thorughout, a real 'gem' of a debate! lol

After school went shopping for presents for Lucy, Jess and Nick's dad, lol, bought them, went back to Nick's, lol, and then went to Deep Pan for Lucy and Jess' meal, it was really nice, until about half-way through, when I was talking to Haggis, who said he might quit the play, I said it was a bit late for that wasnt it to which he replied "shut the fuck up, you're as bad as my fucking mother" he wasn't joking, he was being completely serious, and I have a mad hatred for people that directly sware at me (I don't mind if they sware around me), I don't sware at them and I expect them to do the same, it's the rudest thing that I can think of, and if I ever sware at someone then you will know that its actually someone else trying to impersonate me, or I am scarily cross, you will want to stay out of my way etc. Anyway, so after Haggis swore, I got really cross, ate incredibly fast (i tend to do that when I am angry) and then just sat talking to Nick and then left early, but it was really good before then, a load of people were there, and it was nice to talk to some people that I never really talk to at school. Went back to Nick's and his mum gave me a lift back becuase she is wonderful and nice, lol. Oh and NIck texted his dad to see what they were doing for his birthday and words to the effect of would he like me to join them, he said "yes of course, am glad you're back together xxx", it was just so sweet, lol, yes, i realise I am over sentimental, but it makes me happy, lol. Things between me and Nick are amazingly wonderful, lol, the world, in general, is a fine place to be in.

And remeber everybody, next weeks assembly topic is "road safety!"

tum te tum

Haven't done much today, quite tired, as I went to bed at half past ten last night! (late I know), as I decided to watch Ally McBeal, it may be 'trash', but thats why I love it. Seemed to be let out of all my lessons early today for various reasons. Break time wasn't so brill, I thought that me and Nick isolated ourselves quite a lot, a huge amount in fact, but there isn't much i can do now. Still dont have any information from Leeds, I am not sure whether they have given me a place or not, its nearly been a week, even if they put something as second class surely they would have got it by now? I'm getting over Manchester, lol, I talked to Mr Davies and he said it was their loss (lol! more like their genius), and moping isnt going to change anything anyway. Haven't seemed to do much, just kind of wandered through the day. I'm worried though, I know it sounds stupid, but Nicks being really nice, like, really nice, I'm scared part of me thinks that he's being nice to me because he's trying to hide his feelings that he actually doesn't think its working out, but thinks he'll leave it for a few weeks, as it seems a bit mean getting rid of me as he has only just asked me out. I know that seems silly, but you know when something is going perfectly and so you start to think that there must be a problem coming up... well thats what it seems like, I can't believe that it is like this and normal... anyway.

Stopped for a bit of a read at the Coffee Tavern on the way back, read James Herriot (an old favourite) and came home, to an empty house (thank god) Jenn's not back yet and mum has gone to her old school to collect a jewellery bench, she took John' car so that she could drive it bakc and so she has promised she is going to go out with him for dinner tonight! Not that that will give him hope or anything. Anyway, I am ready for a peaceful afternoon and evening dong nothing, all I have to do is print a sheet of paper out, which I could do period 1 tomorrow, and that is it, ha ha.

Btw, if anyone know's Mr Forsyths e-mail address home preferably, but if not school, then can you give it to me? but if poss email it, as im not sure that he'd be thrilled that him address has been posted on the internet.

from dooblie to dooblie

Had a really mixed day today. The lessons were okay, apart from the fact that we did no work in theatre studies and we perform in a week. Lunch was quite good, just basically had fun and didn't do much else, after school went to town with Nick, bought deoderant (vital), and then went back to school to wait for him to finish a clarinet lesson, then we went for coffee at nero's, I had hot chocolate and it was the most appalling thing i had ever had, they had no cream, it was watery and the milk was off, and i cant believe i actually payed money to drink it. Thats how rubbish it was. But Nick was wonderful, I have moaned so much recently and he has been so nice, and just generally made me happy. So got on the bus really happy, went home really happy, later on went onto UCAS, not happy, i havent got in to stupid manchester, and i really wanted to go there, i havent even got an interview or anything, so i must have been way off target, and really rubbish, feel crap, and as though i am just not going to get into any university at all. really annoyed, and lets face it, i'm not going to get into anywhere anyway if i do get offers because as my mother says, i just can't expect all 'a's' cos im just not going to get them, and all my universties are based on three A's. apart from leicester which i dont want to get into anyway. I dont know why I even bothered wasting an application on Oxford, if even Manchester aren't going to accept me. I texted NIck, as I had to tell him about his email tht id cheked for him, and i told him that i didnt get in, and he didn't even say 'never mind', no sympathy at all, he who said that id definitely get into manchester, so now im irritated at him too (altho only a little, as he probably duznt realise how upset i am) and just really frustrated. I also hate the UCAS system, why dont they email you? or post something on time, I still havent got anything from leeds from the 3rd of Novemeber, and Manchester didnt even send my anythnig saying that they wer studying my application. Wow im annoyed, and wow im failing.

dum de dum

lol, haven't blogged for several days! lol, obiovusly my life is jsut so busy atm! lol, I got a conditional offer at leeds university! which is incredibly exciting, lol, well, if I can get three A's, but even so, still quite exciting. Haven't done much else, stayed at Nicks last night in the end, there was a party but couldn't get a lift there or back, but it was nice, didn't do much though. Had to leave on the eleven o'clock bus this morning as Nick is going to Southampton to see Athlete in Portsmouth tonight!

It was really terrible on Friday, my sister kept nagging me to pay for her to go for tea at the coffee tavern, but I kept refusing, and it looked terrible in front of Nick, and I looked such a cheapskate, but I didn't have any money at all, so i was really annoyed at Jenn moaning so much, especially when she had just got payed that day anyway! Mum's really annoyedwith Jenn at the moment too, as she is wearing too much make up and so mum has banned her wearing any, much to Jenny's distaste, and her tears...

I have been keeping happy though, and am now determined to become politically aware, on Saturday I purchased the Telegraph (apparently its better then the Times?) and well read it, (duh), lol, i think it will take me a long time to know the kind of knowledge necessary to be thought of as an intelligent person, but it is a start, lol.

At the moment I am doing my philosophy coursework (still), and am just about to go to our local supermarket (unfortunately the Co-op) and buy something for tea, lol, I have made a habit of cooking for my family every Sunday evening, I quite enjoy it though. We have to hava an early dinner tonight as we are going to see Toyah Wilcox, some old famous woman who my mother adores, as she is wearing a pair of my mother's earrings, a pair she made, not just a pair tht belonged to may mother! lol, ooh, also its exciting as my mother is now displaying her jewellery at a gallery in Mayfair, yes, London Mayfair! lol, she is more excited than anybody else! but it is still very exciting. Thats all the news for now!

and on... in happy bliss

Had a nice day today, well mostly. At school John Bell came to talk, he is a famous Christian speaker from an Ionian community, the RE students, including myself went and heard him periods three and four, and then there was a big lecture 5 and 6. The Lecture three and four was really good; it was about miracles, and he talked about the feeding of the five thousand, and how it wasn't a miracle as that Jesus 'magic-ed' the extra food, but when the rest of the audience saw a small boy bring what he had, then they all got what they had brought as well. It was really teaching us that the miracle was not physical, but instead that the example of one small boy could change a large group of people. I have realised lately that I have been quite harsh to everyone and very to the point, easily frustrated with people and quick to judge. However, I guess I realised that i should be much gentler to everyone, and that i should be alot more generous, and to be too hasty is a shortcoming indeed, and so I am trying to stop, whether it will hold good is another matter I suppose.

When John Bell held the lecture in 5+6 I was hoping to be given some profound message as well, but I couldn't hear it very well, as almost the entire sixth form did not find the lecture necessary and so began talking among themselves! It was so rude, I just couldn't believe it, half the problem was that we had to sit on the floor so that there was enough room for everybody and so it meant that it was very uncomfortable after ten minutes, but it was just so terrible, there were people that were lying across the floor!

Apart from that I had fun, at lunch we had the first debate club for the year, which was fun, we did 'survival of the fittest, or everyone helping each other', which is the best, we discussed and it was nice to get back into it.

Had a free 7+8 and Nick had one p.8 and so we went to his early, which was nice, I left on the ten past five, and so i feel as though I have been home for ages. I had salmon for tea which was very nice, and at the moment have a large craving for a microwaveable steamed toffee pudding thing, strange i know, but they are surprisingly very nice, i would recommend one if you haven't tried one, i would expect the vast majority of people not to have tried one!

Got my Ally McBeal DVD's in the post today (bought them from e-bay), and so I got home and watched a couple of episodes of that, it was really fun, lol, I realise how rubbish it is, but still find it way too entertaining, lol.

Anyway, having fun! lol, apart from with several people still trying to persuade me that NIck and me shoudln't be going out, as if by them talking to me I'm suddenly going to turn around to NIck and say 'You know I think those people are right, we shouldn't be going out, well see you around', its not going to happen, and really, i dont want it to, so i wish they would stop trying to persuade me, by all means they should tell me there opinion, but after the first five minutes, they should just stop!

and on it goes...

lol, still going out with Nick, to some peoples amazement, its all fun. Didn't do much today, had various lessons, all which i was allowed to leave early for various reasons (ill children, ill teachers etc) held a supposed meeting for year 9's from school house, none of who turned up, which i was really annoyed about, as i had spent the whole of registration asking them all to come to the meeting. Therefore, in my free I wrote a note in the bulletin declaring that every year 9 was to come to a meeting tomorrow, so that i can make them do an assembly. We are having two assemblies as we are in the common rooms, and the other one is being done by the year elevens, I wrote a really rubbish one myself, and I am going to make them read it out, if no one has made one themselves, but there are some really nice girls in that year, so they will probably do something. For Wednesday activities, went to Nicks, well its a kind of activity... didn't do much else, but went to the coffee tavern for tea, as my sis really wanted to, which was fun! well, we talked to John, who's still depressed about my mother, lol. Its all good fun for everyone! lol

heh hey

Well, sorry I haven't been on in the last couple of days (well anyone who reads this continually will probably be glad as its way too long, but anyway...). Well exciting things have happened in time i have been away. Sunday night, Nick found out about Dan from Tom and texted me immediately saying that he couldn't believe I cared so little about him. I was shocked, he actually cared about me? and i texted him back telling him that, he said of course he did, and that he refused to argue over text (I'd also said some other stuff), and that was it, he said he'd see me tomorrow. So Monday (tomorrow) came, and he completely ignored me, point blank, no smile, no nothing. I was disappointed, we'd been getting on soo well. But that was it, and so I went on my normal day, he had a band practice after school with Allie, Watkins and Tom, and felt that they all disproved (as well they should) about Dan and so would be all oohey, therefore it was completely incomprehensible to me, when i got a text at 5:45, from Nick, telling me that he was really sorry he'd been oohey, but it was just because he had realised he could never go out with me ever again (in hindsight thats ironic). We texted each other for a while, and then he said if i was at home could i ring him, because it would be much quicker to talk, than to text.

Obviously I was at home, and so rang him, and we talked for a couple hours, about everything that had happened, how he couldn't believe that i had got off with some random guy, which to be fair, was my view too. Anyway, from that we went to why we had broken up in the first place, and how terrible it was, and how all he wanted to do was go back out with me, even with Dan and everything etc. So we talked about that for a while, but I had to go to the theatre, as i was going to see a play, and so had to get off the phone, so we decided to meet for coffee the next day to talk things over more.

I went to the cinema and told Katie and Lucy, they were not impressed, they thought i should wait longer, lol, probably not as long as the play went on for though. The acting was brilliant, but the script really could have been cut down, they did the best dance at the ned though, but it was quite random.

Came back, went to sleep etc, and then woke up at 6:00 again, as the bus times are different, and then got on the bus etc, got to school, had free's one and two (Nick also has those frees) and he came and sat next to me, and well, byt the end of the free we were holding hands. He left the room (I had free's three and four too) and everyone jumped on me telling me what a nutcase I was, Matt said the my 'cool', had just plumeted, etc and felt generally oohey, but was still going out wit Ncik etc, so it was ok, lol. The rest of the day passed, had a driving lesson, in which two really rude guys made faces at me at a junction, but apart from that was good. Then after school went ot town with Nick, to get a present for his brother, we ended up having coffee, and chatting (although we went to John Lewis, and their hot chocolate was not as good as i had remebered, they only gave us half a cup each), lol, and then i went home. He rang me while I was walking to home to say that he had told his mother, lol, and apart from being confused she was fine, lol, long story. So, lol, life is all exciting, apart from peoples negative opinions, they're not very exciting, at all.

title - what title

Work yesterday, fun, nothing really happened, but we got tickets for Arabian Nights on Monday, adn so i have to ring John my panto director to try and get my rehearsal off. Didn't really do much at work, met a guy who was going to see the whole Harry Potter crew today, he was buying an autograph book. We also had lots of good biscuits, chocolate fingers for example, I don't think we have ever had those before. The till broke half-way through the day, it just kept continually beeping, but eventually after forty-five minutes of pressing random buttons it stopped and went back to normal.

After work I went home and found my mum moaning at me stil about everything that has happened in the past week, went upstairs got changed and told mum I was leaving, she said she'd give me a lift to the bus stop, we got in the car, and she started moaning again, we drove to the bus stop, and she kept me in the car until the bus came, at last I thought, I'm free from her nagging, and then she rang me on the bus! After ten minutes I told her that my battery was running low (which it was), and then turned off my phone so that she couldn't ring back. The rest of the trip was peaceful, went to Alex's, then Tom came, he told me he was really angrywith me, and I thought he meant because I had gone to his house on Friday and left really quickly, but no he was angry about Monday, although apparently he's not quite sure why... anyway I don't really like people being angry with me (obviously) and so felt a bit oohey. However, we walked to JUles' to pick up her and Watkins, and then walked to Andrena's and from there to Ali's. Everyone came that was meant to, and a few people that weren't meant to - Alison's brother sorted them out. So we generally mingled and had a good time, I met a load of people I hadn't seen for a whole week! lol, and after a "few" jokes about Dan, mostly from Felix, apart from when Haggis rung him, I enjoyed myself very much. I refused to drink abything, which was definitely for the best, and had a nice time. Everyone went home at the correct time, nothing was damaged, and everyone was happy (apart from perhaps Ed, who Alison's brother made leave twenty minutes before everybody else, as he didn't like him). I stayed over at Ali's which meant not really getting enough sleep, but still had fun. We watched a film, but only one of us (out of a group of six) were still awake when it finished. In the morning we woke, watched various bits on the telly, and tried to help tidy up the house, which wasn't that bad, luckily, as we were quite ineffectual.

Walked to Peterborough, came back home on the bus to find my sis had something wrong with her eye, and so then her and my mum went into Peterborough to get it sorted out. I am, at the moment trying to do anything to get out of my Re coursework, which is meant to be in for tomorrow, but everyone I spoke to yesterday hasn't done it! lol, I can't believe we are going to school tomorrow, oh the horror that awaits!

havent bin online for ages

I am still blogging each time I go online I have just been doing way too much and haven't been home! lol. Since Tuesday... errm well, on wednesday I had a theatre studies rehearsal, which was fun in the end we just went to deep pan and ate a load of pizza, which was good fun, if not actually doing any theatre studies, we then went back and made up a "dance scene" which is better than it sounds, lol, we also got a full working script together, very exciting! then in the evenign I stayed round alli's. We wanted to go out, but we couldn't find a collection of people to go with that were over 18, and we looked at what was open and there was basically nothing (an a-team revival evening) and so we went to the brewery tap and sat and drank and talked for quite a while, lol, then went back to hers, and didnt do very much, lol, but it was nice to talk. On Thursday saw my dad, fun as always (sarcasm), but I had to leave early as I was going to Stu's with Andrena. I met Andrena when going to meet my dad, and she has been to Rome and told me all about it. The most exciting thing is that she bought me a very alrge scarf/shawl! lol, i have wanted one for ages, and she found one!

Went to Stu's, swam and had general fun, until about 8ish, when Kat (her party, referring to previous blog), and she wanted my number so that her parents could ring mine! and tell them all about the party. This was quite terrible, and so at first I wouldn't give it to her. However, after she had put the phone down I thought that that was a bit mean, so I rang her back to give her my number, but it turned out that she'd already got my number, and Kat didn't pick up but her mother! Here followed an extensive conversation about my wrongs, and how terrible I was to have done various things, and she said she'd left a message on my home answer phone, I apologised, and then realised that I should probably tell my mother before she found out herself. So rang her, and then she rang Kats parents, and then rang me back, here issued a fifteen minute conversation about how I was should pay the conscequences (i can never spell that word), and she left it at that. Went back and joined the group but felt a bit oohey. We watched the fifth element, I thought it was going to be better than it was. After a couple more hours when most people had left the rest of us went to bed, which meant as many people as possible fitting into Stu's spare bed, lol, and after a while we all settled, down.

We were all woken up (accidentally) by Rob at 8 o'clock, and whiled away the hours till the bus. Then went to Nero's and drank three hot chocolates, and meant Mark (properly) Alex's "nearly" guy. lol, it was fun, and then walked to Nicks to pick up panto music as he wasn't going to the rehearsal. However, he had had some minor op thing going on at his work experience and so he was an hour late! I was meant to meet my sis at the coffee tavern, rang her to say that I couldn't meet her, and my mother went crazy, and said that it was just typical that I wouldn't keep any of my promises and kept letting everyone down. I was so surprised I dodn't know what to say. Then walked to Toms cos I was bursting for the toilet, long story, and then met Nick. He gave me the music, and we chatted for ten mins, slightly weird, definitely the best we've been, lol. The nwent to catch my bus, got home went to sleep for half an hour, then went to my panto rehearsal, came back, ate, and then watched spoons. Everyone else is at Tom's tonight, he sadi that he wouldn't do anything on a Friday, as he works on Saturdays now, but nevermind, apparently his house is empty now as someone in his family (I imagine his mum) has gone to Taiwan...! lol.

Not done much else, apart from realised crazy habits that I am developing such as slapping my leg when I exclaim, sittling with my legs really far apart, and saying "wa-ay" (wahey, missing out the "h") raising my hand, expressing some kind of joy. I'm trying to stop. Haven't sung for a long while, deleted all of Nick's texts quite a while ago, and everything is brill, lol. Ali's 18th tomz, hope it will be good, sure it will be. Also have work tomorrow, also fun! lol. Colemans always is (I'm not being sarcastic, it really is!)

oh dear

Well, went to Kat's, as planned, got drunk, not planned, got off with random guy i knew from primary school, not planned, spent night comfortably in his arms (although on the floor). And now I'm really confused, just in general, a little about Nick, obviously I can't tell him, it just isn't the kind of thing that comes up in normal conversation, but I feel he should know, but at the same time he shouldn't as it hasn't really changed anything at all. Part of me feels guilty, not sure why, and part of me feels that it is perhaps useful showing me there are guys apart from Nick (not that I would have stayed around for this one, no offence to him). All in all, feel slightly strange, and slightly woozy. I really don't want it to get back to Nick, but I feel its going to, there were loads of people at the party that just wouldn't understand that I don't want him to know, and so I'm guessing that by next Monday, if not sooner, the cat will be out of the bag. But it wont make any difference to him I imagine, according to Tom he's extremely happy atm, and according to Rob fancies a random year twelve, so perhaps it is all for the best anyway to let him know that I am not just thinking of him continuously, and am moving on little by little. Although, it was slightly humerous because between being jumped on by Haggis and Matt throughout the night had a really weird dream, can't remember what it was about but it included Nick in it, and just remember waking up thinking "that was really weird". Anyway, I'm sure it'll sort itself out. Humerous end to the party, as Dan's friend left at six in the morning so he stayed, and then we went to catch the bus. Bus didn't turn up, so we ended walking from Warmington to Oundle, a good two and a half miles, and about half-way home the bus rushed past, late, but there nevertheless!

No paragraphs in this one either!

im going to give up aming up titles ... perhaps

Today is Monday, and its all okay. Still alone in my house as my sis is away and my mum is working, but am having a nice time, listening to the radio and not doing much. Still singing, lol, magic numbers is a favourite, lol, fitting. Anyway, Kats tonight where hopefully everyone will not be completely wasted the whole night. Apart from that just pottering around, lol. All fun.

im gettin tired of making up titles

I have realised that I am nothing other than a sad would-be stalker (well meayb not the stalker bit) but i have gone way too far, and am depressing myself, I have to stop, from now on, every time i think of nick im going to sing a song - out loud, and i'm going to get so frustrated at myself that in the end i will just have to stop. That is the worst idea I have ever had, but I am running out of plans. Every thing I do seems to remind me of him, especially now that I am alone in the house on a Sunday afternoon, with nothing to do, for the first time in quite a while. I'm going to go now, and sing several songs, it'll be exciting. (i was being sarcastic, in case anyone was under a false impression)

This is an email I wanted to send to Nick, but couldn't, I can't do anything, in case he thinks me weird and then doesn't even want to speak to me normally

hey, sorry, quick question, too long to text. This evening when you i asked u about whether you were not going to the cinema cos of me and u replied sumthing like;
no, well kinda, if we were going out I would have gone, but i wouldn't have gone today if you were going or not"
if we had been going out, and i hadnt been going, would you have gone then? Sorry for being so irritating, I'm just sum girl who seems to be constantly bugging you, but along with a load of other questions, those that I will never ask you either, it seems to be important. Well, it would have been important. Really, my most burning question is what are you thinking, just in general,not even particularly about me. Are you happy, do you prefer hanging out with people in the foyer, do you try and stay away from me, why do we both smile as if nothing is wrong when we meet (not that I want it any other way). How far can I go before I go too far. Can I text you to ask whether you want to meet at the coffee tavern next week bfore the rehearsal, or was that really horrible for you? Can I ask you to go with me to the theatre at the end of Novemeber, would it be too weird; becasue of too many memories, or because you dislike me. That was the problem when you said you didn't love me anymore, that's terrible, ripping through me, but what does that leave, does it leave indifference, hatred?
I don't know what to think anymore , its not as though its really your fault, well apart from the first move, but everything you do I read into, even while realising it is stupid, don't worry, i'm much more likely to read into things negatively, than positively, I'm stupid, but not stupid enough to imagine that somehow every feeling you have towards me is going to magically change. I read your profile on MSN today - I was bored - you should change it. I nearly cried when you wrote that i was your favourite person, it seems so long ago that life was perfect, for me. While you sat all alone, pretending, that must have felt terrible. I want to know how long you pretended for, I want to know how much you pretended, and exactly what. I want to know everything, but the only thing I know is that none of these questions can bee answered.
My mother always said that "hope" was what made Christians differ from other faiths, she said that her life has been so wonderful because she always lived in hope. Well, I wish hope could be taken from my life, so I can't hope anymore, and then I wouldn't hope for you, because although it is an impossibility I cannot help it, although sometimes I can neither imagine it. Did we really used to go out? Be bst friends? confide everything in each other and love each other enough to not need anything else? I'm not so sure anymore, in fact I think I might be teasing myself and none of that stuff happened at all. Until I look at the photos, not that I have done that yet, but I had them all as various pics on my computer, and so I had to change them. We look so happy, how did it change, I want to know what I did wrong, so that whatever happens in the future I wont make that mistake again.

3 times in one day

Sorry to anyone tht actually reads this thing, you should probably stop, its going to get really tiresome for you. I was talking to Stu about Beth, and have suffered an even bigger relapse, I don't know what to do, and its not as though I just want another guy, I want Nick. Great, I'm where I was a week ago, I haven't moved on at all. Typical

ha hah... ha

No, it didn't last, and I thought it was going so well. Well it was, until I went to see the film. I'd talked to him online, made sure that he wasn't not going cos of me, and he wasn't (well kind of, he said that if he was going out with me he would have gone, but it didn't matter whether I was going to the cinema tonight or not, he still wouldn't have gone - but then later I thought; does that mean that he's just more introverted, or that he isn't in a going out mood at all, and if not, why - any comments welcome), so it was all happy. And the film was the best film I have seen for ages, it made me burst out laughing at various bits out loud, however, i have now got to that stage, well and truly, where everything that I see or do, reminds me of Nick, someone give me a topic and I can relate it to Nick, without tangenting in any way. It's not even as though I am particularly good at doing that (although with the practice I am getting, I soon will be), its just so easy.

When I am not thinking about how happy we were, then I find it easy to be apart, but when I do remeber, it pains me, quite a lot. And I'm not sure how to stop it.

ha hah

I think, for a short while atleast, I am happy. Lol. I went to work today, and neither of the other Saturday girls were there, for various reasons, and all I did was work. The day passed amazingly quickly (cos i had to do all of their stock sheets), and I wasn't really hyper at all, but it was just a really nice quiet day. I'm also pleased to say that I haven't been thinking about Nick very much at all, so I think I am improving and that there is hope for me yet. Going to the cinema tonight to watch the corpse bride - or something similar - and might hav to run there, if the bus is late. But nevermind, I will go on regardless. I am sitting here singing and dancing to appalling music - such classics as "Stacy's mom", and although am not doing much, am contented, wahey! lol. Hopefully this happiness will last, lol. ha hah

relapsing? hope not

Today we had a mufti day, where in the end i dressed up smart, however, not in my ball dress, which i guess would have been too much, but instead in skirt and top, the same as i wore to toms dinner party, and ironically the top that I wore when me and Nick first got together (I couldn't remeber this, but he told me, several months after). Anyway, it was all fun, although I realised that he has been keeping away form me on purpose, by hiding in the foyer, and feels awkward when seeing me, which is why he didn't go for coffee after school with the rest of us. However, after school anyway, he was going to come to the pantomime rehearsal, as he is playing various musical instruments. The bus got in at quarter to seven and the rehearsal doesn't start until half past seven, and so we waited for a while in the cafe, while we were netertained by my sister and John's children, who we arm wrestled. They were anamoured by Nick and thought him 'cool', which situation was only to be repeated when we made it to the rehearsal, as the chorus we have are a group of girls, ranging from sixteen to ten, all found him very exciting. However, the rehearsal went well, and I learnt two songs that I had never heard before, and Nick was given the music for the whole pantomime to look through over half term. Although how he will fit it in, no one has the slightest idea as he is doing a work experience at a GP's this week. It ended up being just me, him, the musical director, and the director, at the end of the play, as I wanted to go through my solo, and his mother had not yet arrived to pick him up. I then had to sing a song about 'how we'd never look back', doube meaning. WHich does, however, have a very pretty tune. We walked back t0 where his mum was picking him up from, I scabbed a lift, I don't think he was very impressed, but it was raining slightly. I then got home and learnt 'everybody's talking' on the guitar! incredibly random I know (no, I don't play the guitar). I felt I just had to do something to take my mind off of him. If when I spend time with him and he's really weird, I can pretend he is someone different, but if he acts like NIck, just not going out with me, then it is difficult. It wasn't as awkward at all comparatively to what I thought it was going to be like though. Hopefully, it will persuade him that we can actually do things in the saem group from now on. He's coming to the rehearsal next week - I wonder if he will want to meet up again beforehand? Probably not.

I haven't put any paragraphs in this!

an epiphany... perhaps

He texed me last night, I couldn't believe i when I heard my phone go off - no one else is going to text me at that time. I didn't know what he would say, but the only other time he's texted me when we're not going out, is to ask me for coffee, or do something to suggest that he wants me to go out with him again. However, it was to say whether i wanted to borrow a book that I had given back to him, as he didn't think I had finished reading it. I told him that I would like to borrow it again as all I could remember was the beginning, and then he texted me telling me that he was sorry for what had ahppened (i.e. that he had broken up with me), I didn't know what to say, I htought that he was just completely over me. I told him that that was okay and he couldn't help his feelings, and then he texted back with the words "k, thankyou". Does that means he's okay now that he has been "forgiven"? It's not as though I was being strictly truthful anyway - of course it's not okay what happened, do I seem as though I am perfectly okay, there are so many things that I need to get straight in my head, such as there is no hope (just, in general) and every time he smiles at me I'm confused, let alone texts me at night.

I was nervous when I woke up this morning, and spent my whole bus journey moaning to kind listeners, who were very helpful, and suggested that I do everything that Nick didn't let me do - stupid things, like dance, sing out loud, or say the word "breats" (long story), this made me feel better. So when I got to school I was feeling positive, went to form, saw him at the other end of the class room, and so waited until the end of registation, so that he could give me the book. He did, and then I proceeded to try and talk to him normaly, as if he were anyone else - it didn't work, I asked him how his mother was "fine", apparently, and then we just walked on, I don't know what I had expected to happen, but I just expected it to be different. But it seems that now I have said its okay, he doesn't need me anymore, and would really prefer it if I just wasn't there - which I suppose is true, as that was the reason he left me. So I had the first lesson sitting in the canteen looking as though I would rather be anywhere other than there.

However, I had to leave after that to go home so that I could do my L-NAT, and on the way back I had a minor epiphany. I had really felt like texting Nick, to say that it wasn't okay, i felt rubbish, and that I wanted him to know it, it wasn't just that he had left me, that was bad enough, but now I was having thoughts in the way that I must have done something pretty drastic for any love he had for me just to fizzle out, and when he didn't comment on my dress for house music, well, he didn't even pretend, it wasn't as though he could find me attractive anymore, basically, I am stuck and he started it all. However, then I thought of how much he had changed from the Nick that he used to be, the one that was kind and caring ,and would do anything for me, and I realised, that it wasn't the same Nick as I knew anymore. He'd just changed so much, that I could hardly recognise him. And so I realised (I have realised), that I can get over him, because the Nick I loved doesn't exist anymore, he's somewhere else, and whats left I just don't know. Therefore, I can't wish to get back with Nick, and it doesn't even matter whether I speak to him or not, because he's not actually the person I want to speak to, the person I want it someone else, who lets face it, I'm not going to find again.

Its a good idea, I'm not saying that it will work, but its definitely the best idea that I have coem up with, and I can't say I'm over him, but atleast it might stop me wanting to see him every second of every corner, now I'm wishing for someone that doesn't exist! I wonder how long that is going to last for?? Not long I hope

getting there...

Wahey, I feel slightly better, at last. Last night, I almost came to the conclusion that if he asked me out again (obviously theoretically) I wouldn't say "yes", obviously it changed when I saw him this morning, but I feel there is progress. I really miss him though just stupid things like taking to him. I miss his sarcasm. lol.

So at the moment I am quite satisfied, although, I spend every moment trying to catch a glimpse of him, which is constantly irritating for me. I had a free first thing, and although he had a French oral first thing, in the second period he came into the dinning room, and the first thing he did was come over to my table, on which just sat me and Jules, (next door was the table with everyone else on), obviously he was just being friendly, but I feel that I couldn't do that to him because he'd take it the worng way, but maybe I'll try anyway! lol.

I'm not sure whether to go into school tomorrow or not, I have me L-Nat exam, very exciting, but its at two o'clock, so I could go in for assembly (as it is the one after house music, and so I should thank my hosue and tell them they were wonderful), but at the same time, I am kind of looking forward to haveing a lie-in, at the same time I could see Nick, which would be nice (this is how obsessed I have become), my mother says it would be easier if i did, so I probably will. lol, it's all fun! I have also decided that I am going to go smart (ish), but not wear my ball dress, cos that would be silly, so I will wear a long-ish skirt, depending on which one looks less creased, with a pink top and strappy shoes, its all fun!

Still Carrying On...

I feel slightly better today, although as ever am still barmy aout certain people. I have realised that it's much better when people don't tell me about how terrible I must be feeling, and it also means that I can't moan about Nick (although I still fit him in where possible) although, lets face it, that's probably better for eveybody else, as well as me. I went to my pantomime rehearsal yesterday, and was told that during Friday's rehearsal, the music teacher would take me and Dawn (my pantomime "partner") to go through all of our songs. However, Nick told me that he wouldn't be going to the pantomime rehearsal on Friday, so when I saw him this morning I asked him whether he had told Keith (music guy) that he wasn't coming, cos it sounded as though Keith was going to use him. So he said he might come then, but now I'm really worried that Keith isn't leading the chorous because they will be doing dancing and some such notion so, for the whole of the rehearsal he is just going to have to watch Keith, and me and Dawn sing, and it'll just look as though I wanted him to come so I told him he would be needed. Yet, at the same time if he said he was going to come and then doesn't it doesn't look greato n me, as I was the person that first introduced him.

I feel I haven't really done much today apart from starting reading "Little Men", which is the kind of quiet moral and Christian book, that is "nice", and surprisingly comforting. I keep wanting to talk to NIck, but feeling stupid when I do, so as soon as I stop talking to him I feel he wont be interested in just walking with me and so try and walk away, I did it after lunch registration, and then as he left to walk down another corridor he said "have fun" (to my back, as half of me had already left through the door), and, I don't know, I felt a mixture of sadness, that I could no longer talk to him like a normal person, and partly horror, that he must think me so rude, just turning my back on him, and thirdly how much I would like to just be able to talk to him. I know I can't just expect it to go all normal, however, I can't help it, I just want to have a really good chat with him, and ask him what he's been doing for the last couple of days. It's so frustrating because now that I have spent so much time with him, everyone else just don't really compare.

I went shopping after school, I haven't been for soo long, that I just had to buy some clothes, and when I went to the bus stop I just couldn't help looking out for him, as he had had his clarinet lesson, even though he wouldn't walk down the road until about ten minutes after I had left. This is the kind of crazy stuff I am left to. I still don't know what to wear on Friday, I don't think I am going to go in my ball dress, not just for Nick's sake, but I think I would feel so stupid, not enough people are doing it, and I now have a really nice skirt to wear, although no idea what shoes to wear. Also, because afterwards we would be going for coffee (the whole group of us) it means that I would have to walk around town in the dress as well. I think I just want to look normal and nice. Lets face it, I still just want to look nice enough for Nick to like me again - and lets face, it doesn't matter what I wear, I'm still going to be disappointed!

still in shock

I'm determined to continue writing this blog every time I go online, and so here I am again. Not much has changed since yesterday, apart from the fact that I actually saw him today. My bus was twenty mins late and so I didn't see him until break time, when I gave him back his t-shirt, his socks and a book that he'd left at mine, but I had to do it in front of everyone else, so he jus said "thanks". I caught up with him at lunch, and asked him about what he wanted to do, I have to go and beg my teacher at school to do another Wednesday activity, because at the moment I am meant to be playing squash with him. He is also still doing the music for my pantomime, which I am a little surprised at, and don't know whether it is a good thing or a bad thing.

He had a band rehearsal after school, and I had a meal with my theatre group and typically we left the restauraunt at exactly the same time that he was walking down the road from his practice, I'm going crazy, I can't stop talking about him. Everyone is going to get really annoyed with me when they realise I'm not going to stop. All I want to happen is that he tells me he made a mistake and actually he loves me really. He bnought a pink t-shirt over the weekend, he's never bought a pink t-shirt before, I can tell he likes being without me, I just wish I felt the same. On Friday we have a non-uniform day, and we either have to dres in pink (hence the pink t-shirt) or we have to dress up really smart, and I decided with one of my friends that we would go in ball dresses, but now all I want to do is go and buy a really nice t-shirt and a new pair of shoes. Part of me thinks that if I make an effort to look really nice he will suddenly love me again and I know this isn't true, but I can't help clutching onto any straws I have.

Not done much else but think of him! It's not as though I want to, I just have no other choice, I hope it doesn't continue for long, I think that if I write everything down here, perhaps I wont have to tell everyone I meet.

coming to terms with the necessary

So many things have happened since i started blogging (well, since i took up some space) that ou would have thought that I would have found something much more happy to blog about, i've been to a couple of birthdays had a completely hectic schedule, had an interhouse competition in my school, which i helped organise, and have thoroughly enjoyed life. But, no, I didn't find anything to blog about until Friday when my year and ten and a half month relationship fell apart, the boy in question no longer happy with me, having fallen out of love with me. Humourously enough, the morning after, for the first time I heard Craig David's new song called something like "Fallen out of Love with me" - how ironic. It took him three hours to make up his mind that he was definitely unhappy with me, which was painful, and meant that I was grasping at grains of hope for three hours.

The frustrating thing is, that if he really isn't in love with me anymore (and he isn't) then there is nothing either him or i can do about it, and therefore i must just come to terms with it, as depressing and soul wrenching as it is. Of course, it gets worse because I think it is partly that because we have spent so little time together, as we have both been so bust with house music, it is because he has realised that he can actually have a life that isn't just with me, he said himself that he just feel trapped. How sad, that not only do I have to let him go, but before I did that I made him really miserable and trapped.

In a way I am cross with him, because he hid his feelings of trapped-ness for several weeks, becasue we were in the middle of house music and it was really important to me, so he didnt want to upset me. But it meant everything he did then he didn't mean, he was just doing it to make me feel really happy, and I was really happy, so now it makes me cross to think that he could have done it so well, although at the very end i guessed, and now looking back i can see definite signs. Though there were some things that happened that I think he can't have done that while not loving me, but if I really think about it, then I'm scared that he did.

He was always so full of compliments, and saying how wonderful I was, that I should have known when he didn't say anything to me on the night of house music (the night before he broke it off) about how I looked (the house captains had to dress up in big dresses), his brother came up to me several times and said how nice i looked, but he never came to find me once, and there was a time when he literally wouldn't have left my side all evening, and he would have been happiest like that. It's so frustrating, because there's nothing I can do, i just have ot get used to it, and never go back to the way it was before. His birthday present to me this year was tikets to the theatre, but not until the end of november, so what am I to do? I'm still going to say that I want him to come, and if he doesn't then I will just give him the tickets back.

I had a big tidy up of my room today, and foundd all the small notes he'd written me and all the stuff of his - the odd socks, the books, and t-shirt, and I put them in a bag so that I could give them back to him. I'll see him in form tomorrow, and twice a day atleast for the rest of the year, as we are in the same form, typically he was put in the french form as he is the only guy that does French in the year.

So here I am living with it, dreading to tell people, because I know I'll cry again, and wishing that we had never gone out in the first place and then it wouldn't be so depressing now. The biggest problem I have is that us breaking up is the only thing I can do, he doesn't want me, then I can't make him. But at the same time I want him so much.

Instead, all I can do is lock up my feelings, so that we can atleast be friends, because it would be much worse if he couldn't even be friends with me, ut surely after nearly a couple of years he can't just turn around and find me repulsive and boring, although there is a small voice in the back of my head that tells me he can.